*Update 05/04/2014* I was wondering about ‘improving’ this post to meet my current blogging standards but I’ve decided I’m going to keep this one in its original state to preserve the authenticity of my first leap of faith.
I write this blog because of a dream I had last night. One that woke me up with cold sweat going down my spine. But before I tell you the dream I’ll have to share a story about my recent break-up. Where to begin? It started as most relationships do, we were madly in love. Enjoying every moment we spent together and never worried about anything. She was my first serious relationship and introduced me to everything love had to offer. But as time went on I grew a feeling of emptiness in my head. I didn’t know the reason that caused this but it always seemed to happen when I was around her for a long period of time. Although we had a great time together we never did things that were constructive (always watching tv, playing games,…) and these times robbed me of my creativity which made me feel empty. So one day I had enough and said to her; I need to discover my purpose and meaning and I can’t do that with you claiming so much of my time and creativity. I felt like If i stayed I would never be happy and would never find the things that would give my life a sense of purpose (like passions, traveling, crazy extreme sports, exploring my interests and desires) She was heart broken, and so was I. But I felt I needed the time to re-discover myself. I was at a crossroad in my life where I was taking the wrong direction to happiness.
We didn’t text or called anymore and I tried to forget about her scent, her smile, her mannerisms, her touch and her kisses. Laying alone at night in my bed made me feel so hollow and alone. And I could only blame myself. Sometimes I think about different situations where I would have talked to her about how I felt but at the time I was confused and thought leaving would give me the answers I desperately needed. So as time went on I did the necessary steps to move on;
1) Accept it’s over
2) Delete and disconnect (no contact, memories, pictures whatsoever)
3) Grief (cry, express, get angry, do whatever it takes)
4) Focus on yourself and reclaim your life (get a new interest/hobby)
5) Learn from it & meet new people (You CAN recreate the feeling you had with her with someone else).
So onto the dream I had last night. I don’t recall a whole lot about it but the essence changed something in me. So I was on this vacation with my family and everything was great. The sun was shining and the birds flew to trees at the beach while the scent of fresh baked bread filled the air. The waves massaged the beach in a rhythmic manner. Suddenly in the distance I see my ex with someone else. A blonde guy that makes her smile while lifting her trough the air and just having fun in the water. I don’t think she has seen me but she actually sends pictures of her with her new boyfriend to my cellphone. And then from a distance she would just smile at me. Just smile at me while she is hugging her new boyfriend. It changed something in me
Why would my mind torture me like that? It has been three weeks since our last contact and I still think about her daily. I just miss the moments we had together and she never gave me a last chance to explain myself. I destroyed her heart and it is hard to move on knowing that. Because I know I’m a good man. There’s so much more I could write about this and think about different outcomes but they would make things more difficult. It is time to move on and start meeting new people. I’m on my way discovering what I truly want and I couldn’t make her nor myself happy at that time.
Since we broke up my life started to speed up dramatically. I started discovering new things, exploring new interests, changing the way I think for the better but above all I’m figuring out who I really am. I’m confident I will find someone to give my love to and share my ideas in this adventure we call life. I’m on the verge of waking up.