“Don’t rely on others to supply what you need to know. Figure out what you want out of life and teach yourself how to get it.”

Unprepared.

That’s the emotion I’d say is governing my thoughts right now.

See – I’m pretty close to graduating at this point and find most of the stuff I’ve picked up over the years in my school to be completely and utterly useless. The last three months I’ve written 20k+ words on my thesis to meet “length” quota’s, worked 350h+ for free for my final internship and yesterday I took a two hour train drive for a required class about how to make a table in a word document.

Literally.

And really? It frustrates me.

I’m being told how to run my life by people who don’t have any fucking clue what they’re talking about (in my eyes). It makes me resent people who claim my time for their own agenda or evaluate me based on their “expertise” without a showing track record, claiming that ‘experience’ or ‘age’ made them wise.

Cool fact: It’s possible to sit around for a long-ass time and don’t learn any useful life knowledge. Heck, it’s even common.

So, I believe it’s good policy to ignore everyone who doesn’t have the results you’re looking for. People have incredibly low standards of the advice they take these days. I even encourage you to be wary of mine;

Here are my “stats” atm:

• Social: Close friends = 2, average meet-ups/week = 0.75
• Dating: Girls slept with = 9, last time sex: beginning august 2016
• Wealth: Money in bank = €650 + 300 in savings, assets/investments: none, live with my mom (financially dependent)
• Health: 78.5kg, 8% body-fat, 183cm, average workouts/week = 2.6, average energy = 5.9

I’m just saying that you should take into account the references people have, before listening to them. Wannabe’s are simply not worth the time.

I wish more people actually reflected on their achievements before giving advice on certain topics.

Or at least stating that they might not be an expert on the things they’re saying.

“If the person has what you want, listen to them. If they don’t have what you want, they should be ignored.”

— Simon Somlai (@BasicGrowth) May 10, 2016

Getting off-track here, back to the school issue..

Anyway, It’s nothing new to say schooling is dated and sucks. But it’s one thing to see the problem and bitch about how things aren’t going your way (a fools choice), it’s another to take responsibility for it and proactively steer your life in a better direction (great choice).

Always focus on solutions, never allow yourself to dwell on problems

Like Chris from good looking loser said in one of his posts on negativity;

when you’re negative, nothing changes and nobody cares.

So.

Let’s make this post really practical – shall we?

I’ve been thinking about what I’d do differently if I could start college all over again. And hence I’ve searched the most essential life skills to learn and how I would got about learning those given my current knowledge.

In this article I’m going to talk about the most essential life skills I believe anyone should master. The ones with the lowest opportunity cost and highest return on investment. This way you won’t spend a lifetime chasing useless knowledge that doesn’t impact your life quality (which many do)

Like Seneca said;

Even if you had a large part of your life remaining before you, you would have to organize it very economically to have enough for all the things that are necessary; as things are, isn’t it the height of folly to learn inessential things when time’s so desperately short?

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Why Learn These Essential Life Skills?

I believe times are going to get tougher in the future.

With the rapid-growing evolution of tech, increasing global population and shrinking fossil fuels, the means to life (water, money, food, energy, security, … ) will get scarcer and many jobs will be automated.

Don’t be fooled by people stating that tech will provide many more jobs. It will replace a lot more and the new job openings will mainly be for highly-skilled people.

The only way to (partially) defend yourself from that, is learning things that exponentially increase your life quality.

The main elephant in the room is naturally economic security. In this area you’ll outshine your competitors if you’re able to do work that’s hard to replicate (whether by deep expertise or a combination of unique skills)

Let me restate that: Being able to do something that no-one else can do will make you indispensable/irreplaceable in the future economy. Cal Newport is his most recent book “Deep Work” states that;

The people that will thrive in the future economy will be

1. Highly tech-skilled workers (people who are good at working with machines)
2. Superstars (the top percentile of every industry. It’s a ‘winner-take-all’ market out there. Especially considering digital skills where you directly compete with the whole world)
3. Owners (people with enough capital available to invest, preferably in high-level tech startups which commonly have unprecedented ROI)

 

Other trends I’ve picked up is that the middle, working class (regular jobs) is slowly loosing its footing. Companies just don’t want the hassle anymore of having employees and would rather outsource everything to freelancers on a periodical basis instead of giving full salaries. James Altucher, writer of “Choose Yourself” states in one of his podcasts with Tim Ferriss that;

the middle class is slowly being fired or demoted from their jobs – and it’s a horrible thing.

 

This idea that the corporation is going to take us from cradle to grave from the time we leave high school or college to the time we retire and “the corporation will take care of us” [is wrong]

 

[Talking about companies who outsource their work] If you look at the rise and their revenues and compare that to the rise and revenues of other companies in the stock market, there’s no comparison. These companies are going up over the past five years, 300-400% in revenues because it’s not just people outsourcing secretaries.

 

It’s companies like the major accounting firms, law firms, businesses who are outsourcing vice president level functions to agencies because they don’t want to deal anymore with having employees because it’s too much risk if the economy goes down or too much risk with changing regulations.

 

First people wanted that lifestyle [referring to the four hour work week-lifestyle], now people have to learn that lifestyle.

 

I don’t believe it’s pessimism but realism to better prepare for the future and am convinced of its urgency (happy note: the competition isn’t great for high-level places though. Your competition is watching 9gag, checking facebook or catching a magikarp right now).

It’s just overall something I’ve been thinking about, especially the current demographic growth has peeked my interest in preparing better for the future as “temperature rises”. In another podcast with Joe Rogan, Tim Ferriss stated that;

“The more I look at the reality of how people behave in situations where there are scarce resources, especially water, I don’t think it’s that crazy of an idea to have 6 months worth of canned food. I think it’s cheap ensure”

 

Further he states that;

People behave as well as their circumstances allow them to.”

 

If I understand human psychology well enough (which I believe I do), I agree with that fact. Basically; when pressure rises and resources become scarce, people freak out and switch to “survival”-mode. Lord-of-the-flies-type shit.

There are very brilliant, very wealthy people who take this very far (think underground EMP-proof bunkers) to have a contingency for this Malthusian-esque type of situation. The demographic pyramid simply won’t hold.

Maybe some of this is media-fueled lunacy backed by a confirmation bias or there’s some realistic, proven solution I’m missing (notice the emphasis before commenting) – I don’t know for sure.

And I’ll never be.

Despite all that – the following advice is something I believe you should take regardless what the future holds. It’s IMO the best course of action for any 20-something.

I hope you’re somewhat convinced by this point, since I’ll be diving in some pointers on learning these skills.

How To Learn These Essential Life Skills?

Before I start – and probably the most boring part of this whole post is stressing the importance of practice & repetition. And then I don’t mean putting effort in once or twice a week, but if you’re serious about improving anything and want to see results from it you’ll have to dedicate a focused amount of time to it over a period of time. Your neurons need time to build.

Skills sharpen slowly and dull quickly

Making new neural connections is like carving your way through an overgrown jungle – you need to regularly clean it up/traverse it (aka recalling) or the path will fade out again and become overgrown.

Skills and other complex activities break down when not actively practiced (my writing could probably be better than it is now – then again, my programming is pretty on-point)

Forming neural pathways (memorizing stuff) takes time to build. Synapses grow stronger by frequent usage and spreading in time. (Same reason why “cramming” before tests is pointless in the long-run)

 

Enough talk – let’s get into what you should learn to really excel at life;

Note: Leave suggestions for other skills/learning methods to accelerate the ones mentioned in the comments below and I’ll add them to this post!

What Essential Life Skills To Learn?

1) Emotional Intelligence

I cheated (and will be doing more of that!) – these are four skills all combined. You’ve probably heard about the fad that is “emotional intelligence” and quotes like “EQ is a more important predictor for career success than IQ” and that kind of fairy unicorn stuff, right?

Well, it’s true – It has huge implications for you overall life quality and can have more impact on your life than any other skills;

What should you learn?

EQ consists out of;

• Self knowledge (knowing your own strengths, weaknesses & personality to shift towards optimal conditions. Many people build their career on weakness which makes them resent their life later down the line. Build your life on a rock-solid foundation of who you really are.)
• Self regulation (controlling emotions/instincts for better long-term solutions – this has wide applications like food choices, money management, directing sexual energy, self-motivation, anger, forcing yourself through unpleasant circumstances, …)
• Social awareness (It’s basically the ability to see the world through the eyes of others, how does the other person feel & what does he say = empathy)
• Social regulation (these come down to your overall social skills, how good are you at making other people feel good, understood, at ease and express yourself so they understand you. These include your written and verbal communication skills.)
• Laws of reciprocity (Probably didn’t expect this one eh? You need to understand the dynamics between cooperation in humans and the psychology behind it. Great feats of societal stresses occur when reciprocity is expected yet not provided.)

How should you learn it?

• Self knowledge
  1. Find your own strenghts through self-analysis, reading Managing Oneself, Strenghtsfinder 2.0, doing personality tests like the MBTI and Big Five Test. Here’s an overview of everything I know about myself, to give you an idea for its uses and how you can learn more about yourself.
• Self management
  1. Build up constructive habits in routines (dressing well, eating healthy, reading daily, working out regularly, tracking income & expenses, morning & evening routines, …). Many are laid out in my free ebook “The Life Guide“.
  2. Learn how to effectively control your emotions. This could be a post by itself but what I do is make an IF > THEN plan to deal with the most common negative/blocking emotions I feel. Here is an example of how I routinely fix negativity. These should be as automated as possible.
  3. Find a system that allows you to plan your life, correct yourself when you’re off track through reflecting and re-set new objectives when achieved. Starting the 5 minute journal is HIGHLY recommended for this.
  4. Reading: Do The Work by Stephen Pressfield, The One Thing by Gary Keller and The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
• Social awareness
  1. Social awareness = Social experience (it comes with time). Do this by having a regular (2-3/week) social hobby/meetup with friends, chatting to strangers online, making more small talk everywhere. Analyze the words and body language of that person and try to think about how they feel and what they mean. I’ve written another (older) post on social skills. 
• Social regulation
  1. Social regulation = Social experience (it also comes with time). Same way you practice social awareness but this time you try to steer the behavior/feelings of the other person where you want them to go and influence them.
• Laws Of Reciprocity
  1. Basically this means that nothing is truly free and nothing is really unconditional. There’s an unwritten societal code you need to be aware of when it comes to giving/taking favors and it would be wise to take into account the following rules. I’m probably missing a few though;

Additional reading: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie, Social Skills Guidebook by Chris MacLeod and Crucial Conversations (for diffusing/addressing difficult subjects)

2) Career Skills

Yeah – that’s also a collection of skills, but here’s what I mean by that; The skills required to financially support yourself for a lifetime. For pretty much everyone these are the most important. If you don’t make enough money, your life will suck, period.

Money allows you to eliminate all many negative aspects from your life to focus on things you really care about (rise to the top of maslows’ hierarchy of needs), increase your happiness (up to 6000 dollar log income) and allow for a wide array of diverse interests. It’s critical to acquire this and probably the most important from this blogpost to take away. People who are financially set have all the time left to pursue their other interests and spent their life on activities they actually find meaningful.

DO NOT be fooled into the “follow-your-passion/do-what-you-love” mainstream self-development crap. Follow this career advice instead.

Fuck passion and fuck fun.

What should you learn?

• Build up expertise in 1 industry & learn economically valuable skills (to generate an income. Build up a skill that’s high in demand, difficult to learn and based around your strengths. No quick-fix short-term solutions. Learn a skill that you can grow into a business later. )
• Selling (It’s not because you have the knowledge required to help people/make a product that you’ll actually succeed in your business – it doesn’t mean shit if you don’t know how to relate that to others and convince others of its value. Same thing goes for dating, soliciting, making friends. Selling yourself is always a key component of a GREAT life – whether you like it or not)
• Financial intelligence (Know how to manage your own money, keep track of expenses and be able to invest it into appreciating assets when you finally start to make some. Know where to best allocate expenses and to automatically save regularly)
• Entrepreneurship/law (Know your own bookkeeping, how taxation works, insurance, social contributions/welfare system, … – life consists out of a lot of boring-ass administration. You don’t have to know everything, but when it comes to money, this will enable you to keep more of it.)

How should you learn it?

• Industry expertise & skill
  • Choose 1 industry for the rest of your life. The longer you wait/doubt/fidget to choose this, the longer it’ll take to build deep domain expertise which is prerequisite for a good career. It takes increasingly more time for breakthroughs to happen in each respective field as the “base knowledge” required to just get by increases rapidly.
  • Choose 1 skill that’s difficult to learn, high in demand and you have a natural advantage in it (by knowing your strengths). JUST FUCKING PICK SOMETHING AND STICK WITH IT. I recommend just skimming the job boards on LinkedIn, job advertisements in your local paper, fiverr gigs which sell really well and so-forth. Then just pick one and reverse-engineer it.
  • Reading: “So good they can’t ignore you” by Cal Newport and The Recession Proof Graduate by Charlie Hoehn
• Selling
  • Watch the video of Chet Holmes on education-based marketing (he’s one of the best salesman ever)
  • Take up a part-time job where you sell a product/service you like or sell your own (invaluable life experience/part-time job!)
  • Reading: The Ultimate Sales Machine by Chet Holmes (no-brainer)
• Financial intelligence
  • Managing: Manage your money on a weekly basis by keeping a log/excel file of income and expenses, allocate most of it towards investments that bring you a return over time. Here’s an excel file I use – Finance Template (if it’s unclear, I might make a video for using it). For the love of God, please don’t waste your money on useless crap when you finally are making some decent $$$.
  • Investing: I’m not an expert in investing (will be someday) but real estate rental (houses, parking lots, hotel rooms, hostels, campings), object rental (power-equipment, industrial equipment/small trucks, musical instruments, furniture), automated businesses (carwash, laundromats, tanning salons, atm’s, vending machines), content systems (ecourses, books, products, …), advertisement (billboards), portfolio (stocks, bonds, high-yield ETF’s) seem like good potential investments for almost every budget. But don’t be a fool thinking you can outsmart people who trade stocks for a living – educate yourself first before gambling away your money on the market. And then still..
  • Quick math: Be able to quickly calculate percentages, make additions, subtractions, divisions and multiplications. I recommend to even review basic arithmetic like a multiplication table and do some simple mathematical exercises regularly.
  • Reading: The Intelligent Investor by Benjamin Graham (this is quite possibe a very general and inaccurate recommendation since I haven’t even read it.)
• Law
  • This is region/country specific most of the time and therefore I can’t give clear-cut advise on this. I suggest you just buy a standard “starting guide” book for self-employed people for you local law institution and start from there. Learn how to take advantage from taxes, the different social systems, difference between llc/c-corp and so forth. Maybe even take a course with an accountant to get to know the different ins- n outs. I did that – Definitely worth your time.

Additional reading: The Personal MBA by Josh Kaufman, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED (top 3 level)

3) Psychology

This is huge. By understanding the real nature of humans and more deeply understand why you/others make certain (irrational) choices you’re always one step ahead. To see the cage of our nature is to partially escape it. Here’s the crucial elements you should master;

What should you learn?

• Body language (making people feel at ease, making yourself feel better, know when girls are attracted, know when people feel upset, know how to notice tension,…)
• Conditioning, biases & learning (know how fallible your own thinking is and re-direct this in better ways, understand how humans absorb knowledge and the optimal conditions/environment for retention)
• Thinking, memory & retention (know how to improve your memory and long-term retention rate of the things you learn – Being able to learn fast (your speed) is what will separate good from GREAT people in the future.)
• Motivation & emotion (learn why humans feel certain emotions and what their uses are, how to cope with depression, anger, frustration and sadness that block you from getting what you want in life if you let them linger. Be able to bounce back (quickly) from negative emotions/situations like death from a loved one, heavy physical trauma.)
• Personality (Know the difference between temperament (inborn characteristics) and things that came from your environment. Know what factors molded who you are (and others) to make more accurate choices for the future. (ex: who to trust & under which circumstances, what career-path best suits you, what people are best suited for which tasks, …)
• Social/group psychology (know how people are essentially social animals looking to belong to a certain group. How they act in groups and how to lead/educate a group)

 

How should you learn it?

• Get a school textbook on standard psychology (the big 1000+ pages ones). Read it front to back, starting with the chapters most closely resembling the above points. Really. It’s well worth the time and will probably change your life forever.
• Check out the most commonly used human fallacies on wikipedia. It’s a GREAT resource.
• Make an IF>THEN plan for regular annoying emotions that block you from getting what you want.
• Make an audio-tape for brainwashing yourself for greatness and play this every morning and every evening.
• Get more expansive books/PDF’s on the different subsets of psychology like body language, learning faster (see next), retaining information, personality profiling and sociology/influencing.

4) Optimal Learning

Now this is a bit more interesting! Optimal learning will allow you to soak up new strategies to increase your life quality at maximum efficiency. And although the brain is incredibly inefficient at remembering let alone learning a new pattern you should definitely maximize your learning ability. This is the only skill of EVERYTHING on this list that I’d recommend to maximize instead of optimizing. Here’s the core everyone should master;

What should you learn?

• How to learn new skills optimally
• How to optimally read a book/information, summarize it & recollect the essential knowledge in it when you need it.
• How to focus, prioritize and eliminate distractions (we live in an attention economy where people are constantly bombarded with ads, things that grab you attention/entertain you without adding substantial life value. People who can capitalize on deeply focused time are the (only?) ones who’ll excel in the coming decades.) How many links have you clicked on in this article so far?

How should you learn it?

• Skill learning
  • I might write a deeper post about this in the near future, but for now I’ll just link to several good resources on skill acquisition like Tim Ferriss’s method (9:40) & Josh Kaufman (9:30). Here’s a summary of how I would approach it;

• Book/information reading (you need a sort of framework for absorbing and filtering key information and repeating the most essential on a regular basis. I’ve written a post in this in the past and Ludvig from SGM also made a great entry on this recently.
  • SMART-Learning
  • Ludvigs Framework for learning
  • Here’s another small overview of how I select, summarize and aim to retain information anno 2016. Here’s a example of a recent book summary to get a clearer picture.

• Focusing, prioritizing and eliminating distractions. Read Deep Work by Cal Newport and The One Thing by Gary Keller.

Here’s a small bonus;

5) Specific Multipliers

Now that we’ve had the biggest areas you should be tackling that will be life-critical. Here are the next ones you should be tackling on the side as quickly as possible and should NOT be underestimated in importance.

• Public speaking –> Allows you to quickly rise through the ranks as a leader when you’re able to explain your vision in accurate detail without flinching in front of a big crowd. I believe the ability to make your ideas clearly heard can mean the difference between a management position and a regular job. Use toastmasters or make YouTube video’s to practice them. No-one was born a miracle.
• Dating –> Women are NOT going to come knocking on your door. Life never gives you what you want, it just sometimes gives you what you work incredibly hard for. If you want a high quality girl or just plain sex, it’s up to you to get out there and get whatever the fuck you want. Do x number of approaches a week/evening, ask them out on dates and Read Models by Mark Manson. Become a man worthy of dating through self-development. Don’t settle for committed relationships before your 30’s, because it’s easier to get constant sex. And never get married, there’s 0 benefits in that for a man.
• Health, style & grooming –> Carve out some time in your weeks for at least 3 hours of strength training (this is a negligible amount for the health ROI), dressing well each morning with simple clothing (see my life guide for style advice) and taking care of regular hygiene. This is inexcusable.

Essence

The difference between the person you are right now and the people you admire is simply the books they’ve read. Don’t worry about all the book recommendations and the “time-pressure” I’ve outlined in this article. By the time you’re 30, you’ll have read almost every book on the planet if you’re consistent in following this path (which I believe you will).

You’ll probably be working at full capacity anyway – otherwise you wouldn’t have read this far.

There’s nothing grand or special about rising through the societal ranks, all it takes is;

1. A more accurate image of reality
2. A clarity of what needs to be done.

This post has given both.

All that’s left is action.

Realize it’s a marathon and not a sprint and that these skills will take a lifetime to master. Just do the best with what is currently available and try to strike a (difficult) balance between self-improvement and self-acceptance. I believe a regular appreciation ritual provides a nice equilibrium between the two.

What other essential life skills am I missing here?

 

Note: Here’s what Josh Kaufman considers the most important skills to know: https://joshkaufman.net/what-must-an-educated-person-know/

NoteNote: Take in mind that I’m a 22 year-old college student and my views could be highly inaccurate. Just over the years I’ve grown to trust only my own judgment by (accurately?) analyzing the world around me and making decisions based on that information. I realize some views expressed here are radical at times and I often doubt their accuracy (which is a good thing).

They are – however – still standing at the moment. I am always open to contrary evidence and better approaches to life and handle feedback really well. Despite that – I might not find it the best use of my time and energy to debate with/convince you of the accuracy of this information on this blog. I do respect your opinion and believe everyone has a right to have one and voice it.

NoteNoteNote: I’m also a fallible human being, retarded in more ways than you might think and highly-likely to be wrong on many of the things I say. I haven’t mastered all of these essential life skills yet and simply put out the best advice I can give based on current advice. Don’t ascribe superhuman abilities to random people based on what you’ve read about them on the internet.

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I love my blogging monologue to vent ideas without opposition. Leave your (most-likely) very witty and intelligent brain-farts in the section below and I’ll be sure to respond whenever I carve out time out of my anally regimented schedule!

3 things;

• Song recommendation: Been high writing on this
• Question: Does anyone know any community-submitted forum where accomplished people from all walks in life (health, wealth and love) give advice on which strategy one should follow to achieve similar results? One without self-advertising their spammy shitproducts like quora tends to do?
• Parting thoughts: Problems in life come one-by-one, just like only one grain of sand passes through the hourglass at a time.

Toudelou,

Simon

“Throughout human history, men always had a clear and concise path laid out before them. We’re one of the first generations that doesn’t. You can do or be anything you want in any capacity that you want. So create your own standard and then surpass it. Psychologically that’s where we derive our worth and our value. – Mark Manson

Sweet.

That’s the first thing I thought when I got a mail in my inbox from Mark Manson.

It seems that;

As long as you just kindly spam request interesting people long enough that eventually something will stick. So today I’m interviewing Mark Manson.

For the ones who live under a rock and don’t know Mark;

Mark is a dating-expert, writer, avid-traveler and all-round life-enthusiast. He’s the author of Models: Attract Women Through Honesty – The uncrowned king of dating-books in my honest opinion. –  and he’s also a frequent blogger at MarkManson.net.

In models, Mark takes a rather refreshing approach to the whole “dating-game” and strips it down piece by piece to the bare essentials.

The biggest point in this book is the fact that he completely dismisses tactics, tricks, games and other junk that complicates so many peoples’ dating lives and makes it astoundingly simplistic.

No more;

• Pretending to be someone you’re not
• Playing silly games to “win her over”
• Defining a successful romantic life by the number of girls you’ve slept with.
• Having to hold things back or over-complicate your texts

Or as I coined it towards my friends (yes, I do have friends); It’s the pick-up guide for people who actually prefer to be normal. It’s the best book I’ve ever read on dating.

Let’s talk!

Enter; Mark

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Color code: Me, question, Mark

 

1) I’m a big fan of Emersons’ quote in your book; “What you are shouts so loudly, I cannot hear what you say”. It addresses the biggest problem with pick-up to date; It focuses on techniques and quick fixes instead of the inside-out development into the man that is attractive instead of posing to be that man. For the people that haven’t read your book yet; What are the biggest points that separates your dating advice (Models) from the “standard” pick-up advice?

Models differs a lot from classic pick up advice. With Models, rejection is often seen as a good thing. Honesty, even if it leads to rejection, is also seen as a good thing. Vulnerability and LETTING GO of trying to control an interaction is advised rather than trying to control every last thing. An understanding of demographics, which women are right for you and wrong for you, finding your niche, and discovering the great aspects about yourself that will attract women in that niche. I could go on and on. Very different.

(Another addition I found, that really stood out was this; Don’t be afraid to show weakness. When you pretend you’re someone you’re not (yet) you’ll gather evidence that the “real” you is not good enough for attractive women and you’ll be forced to always wear that mask. Weakness is good GREAT. It means the problem is identified & it can be fixed.)

——–

2) I think your book started a small, silent revolution in the pick-up community and challenged a lot of beliefs that were popular. But let’s get back a little bit further; Why do you think there’s such a high demand for dating advice these days in the first place. Why is something that should be so easy (and natural) so challenging/frustrating for men these days?

I think dating is in kind of a state of upheaval with our generation. Part of this is due to how educated everyone has become and how long it takes to get a career started. Part of this is because women have more rights and opportunities and often want to take time to establish careers for themselves before they settle down. I think these are good social developments, but they have the unintended side effect of making dating more confusing and unclear than perhaps it was for our parents’ generation. 

——–

3) There’s people who say they can’t change any aspects of themselves and there’s people who naively believe they can “be whoever they want to be.” In one part of the book you said that you attract what you are.  How much control do you believe people really have over what they are/who they become? Where do you draw the line?

Well, much of who we are is determined by our genetics. But much of it is determined by learned behavior. Where the line between the two is doesn’t really matter. The point is that we can all improve upon ourselves and therefore we should.

(I believe the largest part of who we become is defined by our environment. Not 100% but my guess would be 70 – 80%. Or like the behavioral psychologist John B. Watson said; )

“Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I’ll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select – doctor, lawyer, artist, merchant-chief and, yes, even beggar-man and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his ancestors.”

——–

4) The person we become through self-development is often to (over)compensate for what we used to be. I started weightlifting 5 years ago because I always considered myself weak and nerdy and wanted to be more respected by women and men. I’ve grown a lot since then, but at some points I just doesn’t feel enough yet. Especially from really attractive women a rejection can still feel as an inadequacy from my part. Like you are worthless as a man in their eyes. Approval of women is in some way strongly connected to our sense of “being a man” still. How did you find a balance between self-acceptance and self-improvement in dating/life?

Well, rejection hurts, and there’s nothing wrong with hurting. One has to just understand that rejection is part of the process, not a loss of the process. Understand that being rejected by an attractive woman means that you are not right for THAT woman, but not necessarily all women anywhere or all women of X traits, etc. 

——–

5) Napoleon Hill and David Deida talked about “preserving your semen” and “ejaculating up the spine” to preserve your sexual energy. It supposedly allows you to be more motivated to work on “bigger, more creative pursuits” like building a business, creative work, … . What’s your take on sexual energy and ejaculatory control to stay motivated/energized to do great things? (nofap, noporn)

I really don’t know. Every time I’ve tried the no fap thing, I don’t notice much of a difference. I think everyone is different and for some people this sort of thing can make a big difference, for others, none at all. I’ve talked to guys who say it changed their life. But I’ve also talked to a lot who didn’t really feel any change.

——–

6) There’s many different configuration you can take in relationships; lifelong monogamy, serial monogamy, polygamy, one night stands, self-service, … . What kind of relationship(s) do you have at this point and why?

I’m in a committed (and monogamous) relationship with my girlfriend of 3 and 1/2 years now. Why? It just feels right. She makes me happy.  

——–

7) I’ve read in “sex at dawn” by Christopher Ryan that humans are by nature polygamous. Yet, since agriculture everything changed and women became more of a “possession” for men and the sexual trade-off arose. On the one hand the man offered his status and resources whilst the women offered her fertility and fidelity. Therefore monogamy become the more accepted cultural norm. Do you believe lifelong monogamy is against human nature?

Emotionally, lifelong monogamy seems to be pretty standard for most people. Sexually, we can be attracted to many people throughout our lives, but our sexualities are also quite fluid so I think most people don’t mind giving up that sexual opportunities in order to maintain their emotional intimacy with their partner. Everyone is different though.

——–

8) There’s a confusion of gender roles in our society, since the natural role of provider and protector of men has become (largely) obsolete. There’s a dichotomy rising. Instinctively, women want an aggressive, physical and dominant man in the bedroom (hence the success of 50 shades of grey) but intellectually they want equality. What’s your stance on feminism and this dichotomy?

I think as a society we’re still sorting this stuff out. But I don’t think there’s any going back. And for good reason. A lot of people don’t realize just how fucked up the classic gender roles actually are (alcoholism, domestic abuse, rape, suicide, etc., were all much higher before feminism than they are now). I think that sexually, men and women are still have some primal wiring for what they find attractive. But sex is a whole different arena than a relationship. I can be dominating and powerful in bed yet still treat my girlfriend as an equal everywhere. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

——–

9) I believe it’s a fact that the world is getting more competitive by the day and frankly the educational system is doing a pretty lousy job at preparing my generation for the future (at least from what I’ve seen so far). You’ve done pretty well for yourself as entrepreneur – What advice would you give to others – who are struggling – to create a future-proof job?

That’s a broad question and probably deserves an entire interview by itself. But I would say develop a skill of some sort. Anything that doesn’t require a high degree of skill is going to be either done by foreigners or robots pretty soon. So develop skills — writing, coding, design, architecture, etc.

———

10) To round this interview out. Let’s look at some of the cool plans you’re working on at the moment; Where do you see yourself going the next 5 years ? ( any news – dare I say scoop? – on the new book you’re writing? ;))

I’ve got a new book that I’m finishing up and talking to publishers about at the moment. I can’t share more about it at the moment but it will likely be out early next year. I’m looking forward to getting back to my blog and expanding the content as well as experimenting with some new forms of content. It feels like my writing has just been on auto-pilot for a few months now.

Additional Resources

Essence

I hope you enjoyed reading this interview as much as I liked making it! Here’s how you can get in touch with Mark and learn more about his books/articles;

• His Blog
• His Book
• Ask him a question
• Facebook / Twitter 

The last quote I want to leave you with – which really stood out to me – is this;

“You are what you attract”

If you consistently date, unconfident, manipulative & unstable people that says more about yourself than it does about your girl.

On the other hand – if you manage to build up yourself through self-improvement  – you’ll get an actual satisfactory dating life.

(Have you read “Models”? If so, let me know what you think about the book!)

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Anyway, that’s all I have to say for now. Thanks for reading this post! If you’re having any thought/comments you feel sharing with me – Feel free to leave them in the comment section below!

Take care & stay strong

– Simon

“Sex: The force for change that has written out the history of world culture.”

 

All human progress is fueled by desire for sex.

Sex has always been the “ultimate reward”.

Heck, from a biological/evolutionary perspective it’s your sole purpose on this planet.

But by re-wiring this reward-mechanism by porn & excessive masturbation we’ve screwed ourselves over. Instead of striving for this reward through work, we’ve resorted to lesser ways of release.

Leading to a deterioration in life quality.

By consciously directing this reservoir of sexual energy we are able to make great advances in our professional and personal life.

Are you directing yours or spludging it on your bed-sheets?

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The Omnipresence Of Sexuality

Let’s face it; sex is pretty much the only reason we do anything.

Although it doesn’t get talked about, it’s subconsciously on everyone’s mind. It’s why people want status, money, fame, friends, looks and so-forth.

People might deny it, but I’m talking about the sub-conscious level. There’s no escaping our pre-programmed nature through logical thought.

“We are merely one of a multitude of species upon which nature indiscriminately exerts its force. Nature has a master agenda we can only dimly know.” ― Camille Paglia

From a biological point of view, reproduction means your “evolutionary success.”

In a sense; if you ain’t “getting some” you’ve failed your only real reason to be alive, really..

You might ignore it, you might avoid it or even justify to yourself it isn’t important (pain-avoiding denial).

But it’s a BIG fucking deal; In the work-place, with your friends, family and especially the media.

It’s an incredibly delicate topic to talk about your attractiveness and successes with the other gender. It proves our “suitability” for reproduction (or otherwise worthlessness). Our reproductive self-worth so to speak.

It’s the main reason people like Kim Kardashian and Jen Selter are so popular make any kind of money. It’s the reason rich men can get hot women.

(I’m not against that, I believe using your reproductive value is obligated. Play the game by the rules)

Here’s how the “sex” game works these days;

• Man’s main reproductive value is based primarily on his social status and wealth, which is measured through his behavior (confidence, intelligence, character, self-discipline, social skills, …)
• Women’s main reproductive value is based primarily based on her fertility, measured through her looks (big boobs, big ass, 0.8 hip-to-waist ratio, hair length, hair-color, ovulation …)

Successful men (or potentially successful men) get attractive girls. And vice versa.

Period.

And therefore everything in life is directed at acquiring (or faking) those traits. It’s the only motive strong enough to get people to take action.

Wherever you look sex is re-purposed to serve some kind of motive. Whether it’s selling more products, attracting more customers or straight-up pay per view porn.

It’s the ultimate motivator for mankind.

It’s an underlying trend that rarely is addressed in daylight, but is subconsciously on everyone’s mind (NSFW).

What Is Sexual Energy?

So we spent a great deal of our time and energy on producing hormones, producing semen/eggs, spending mental energy on fantasizing about sex and women.

All this combined “desire”, that urge, is called “sexual energy”.

When re-directed, this energy can lead to great productive and creative achievements that can lift us up as human species.

Many human advances (most?) have originated for our hunger for sex.

Patchen barss – on the cover of his book “The Erotic Engine” – argues that ;

“From cave painting to photography to the internet, pornography has always been at the cutting edge in adopting and exploiting new developments in mass communication. And in so doing, it has helped to promote and propel those developments in ways that are rarely acknowledged. Without pornography, the internet would not have grown so quickly.

 

The e-commerce payment systems that are now commonplace would be at a far more primitive stage security and usability. Without video streaming software developed for pornography sites, CNN would be struggling to deliver news clips. Without advertising from sex sites, Google could not have afforded YouTube.”

Sex gets shit done.

And let’s face it; there’s no motivation greater for a man to try something new if it involves getting his needs met. It allowed new technology to improve & survive the early developing days and become cheaper and more portable over time so it can become available to the mainstream.

So, what’s the problem?

We’re not directing this power, we’re wasting it.

There are two main problems I’ve seen: Excessive masturbation & watching pornography.

Why Is Masturbation Bad?

We spludge our precious energy all over our bed-sheets. Masturbating in a dark corner in front of a screen.

Sexual desire stops motivating since we screw up the incentive by resorting to self-service.

And even more: almost every man masturbates. I don’t know of many friends who consciously abstain from masturbation.

Problem?

Satisfied needs do not motivate.

Let me repeat that;

Satisfied needs do NOT motivate. 

If you have everything you want at your fingertips (pun intended), guess what’s going to happen?

Exactly: nothing.

More ejaculations = less mating effort.

Why Is Porn Bad?

Porn has become so omnipresent and easily accessible our youth runs into it before they experience the real thing.

With the increasing desensitization to porn we need more and more extreme measures to even get hard with real girls.

Here’s my take on whole this mess;

Sexual satisfaction shouldn’t be achieved virtually but only in reality. Instant sexual satisfaction has become so easily accessible through the internet that modern society has become obsessed by it. We’ve stopped caring about the real thing and have become so desensitized about sex that it has led to unnatural extremes.

In some countries and with some men, pornography has taken a heavy toll. They’ve become so addicted to instant gratification and masturbation that they just can’t get turned on by “normal” girls at all.

They’ve become convinced that porn and masturbation is better than the real thing. They’d rather gratify themselves in the comforts of their own home than go out and approach a girl on the street.

It makes you lazy, unmotivated, depressed and addicted even.

Weak.

Bottom line;

Porn screws up your brain and life

Why Harness Sexual Energy?

Here’s my experience with porn, masturbation and ejaculations.

The more I ejaculate, the lazier I get. That’s the bottom line really.

I get tired, fatigued and lethargic. I feel weak.

Your semen is the energy/resources (sexual energy) necessary that drives your desire to do shit. Without it, you’re just not looking to get anything done. You’re already “emptied out” without your animal drive, pushing you to excel.

You got low testosterone and no “desire”

Here’s the story of a person who lost all his testosterone and describes what it feels like.

Testosterone is the hormone of desire. And by that, I don’t mean sexual desire. I mean desire, period.

 

Everything that I identify as being me, my ambition, my interest in things, my sense of humor, the inflection in my voice, the quality of my speech even changed in the time that I was without a lot of the hormone.

 

I had no interest in even watching TV, much less reading the newspaper or a book. Food, I didn’t want my food to taste good or interesting.

 

It changes everything I know as my self. (From the Transcript)

Napoleon Hill addressed this sexual energy in his book “Think And Grow Rich”;

When driven by this desire, men develop keenness of imagination, courage, will-power, persistence, and creative ability unknown to them at other times. So strong and impelling is the desire for sexual contact that men freely run the risk of life and reputation to indulge it.

 

When harnessed, and redirected along other lines, this motivating force maintains all of its attributes of keenness of imagination, courage, etc., which may be used as powerful creative forces in literature, art, or in any other profession or calling, including, of course, the accumulation of riches.” – Napoleon Hill, TAGR

Or like David Deida said in “The Way Of The Superior Man;

“As you live your life with more and more true
purpose, you won’t accumulate so much tension during the day.
Then, you will discover that ejaculation, for the most part, actually depletes and weakens you.

 

It feels great for a few moments, but the price you pay for the
genital sneeze of ejaculation is a much higher level of mediocrity
in your daily life. You will find that you just don’t have the extra
gusto necessary to live your life with utter impeccability. Excess
ejaculations pave the road to living a good life, but not a great
life.

In a subtle way, excess ejaculations will diminish your courage
to take risks, professionally and spiritually. You will settle for
doing enough to get by, to be comfortable, but you will find that
you would rather watch TV than write your novel, meditate, or
make that important phone call.

 

You will have enough motivation to live a decent life, but ejaculations drain you of the “cutting through” energy that is necessary to pierce your own wall of lethargy and slice through the obstructions that arise in the world.” – David Deida, WOTSM

 

So… how can you cultivate your sexual energy?

How To Harness Sexual Energy?

If you want to get better results in your life, don’t spill your seed on useless matters. Cultivate it and transform this energy into creative force that will bring you more substantial results after a while.

The Taoists said that you should limit ejaculations to increase longevity, focus and vitality.

“In sexual love relations a man should permit himself to ejaculate 2 to 3 times out of 10 times of sex to preserve his “life force”

Abstinence – not from sex – but ejaculation is the key to doing this.

You should NOT live a sexless life. Sex and orgams are  necessary for a great mood and life satisfaction. It also energizes you to take on bigger the challenges.

It’s the emission of your seed that’s the problem. It drains you.

Here are the rules;

1. No Ejaculations

That’s all.

You can still have sex and orgasms but fewer ejaculations. It’s the replenishment of the seed that requires all the energy.

It’s the gift of life for the next generation that you’re wasting.

“Huh? I can have sex and orgasms but no ejaculations? What’s that for black magic?” – You, being confused

Here’s how you can separate the two;

How To Separate Orgasm & Ejaculation?

Ejaculation and orgasm can be separated by contracting the pc muscles (the same you use to hold back pee when you need to go to the bathroom). If you’ve never done this before it’s going to be incredibly awkward during sex.

So this is what I would advice initially;

Solo Practice 

Masturbate until just before “the point of no return.” But take your time for it. It’s not about coming but about practice. Masturbation sessions should last about 20 to 30 minutes. Incrementally work towards it.

Here are some tips;

• Be sure to keep your body completely relaxed whilst you do this, don’t tense your body. The more you put tension on your body, the faster you’ll cum.
• Breath slowly. Our degree of arousal is closely link with the speed at which we breath. Try to breath 5 seconds in, hold for two, and breath out for five again.
• If you get close to the point of no return. Stop everything and do 10 full, strong contractions as you were trying to hold in your pee. Let the arousal wane a bit
• Repeat this 15 times. Don’t ejaculate.
• Coconut oil – thank me later.

After a while you’ll be able to surpass the point of no return  whilst keeping your pc muscles tightened, stopping the ejaculation but not the orgasm. As a result your penis will stay hard, won’t be extremely sensitive and you won’t have the refractory period (recovery period).

Basically, you’re good to go again.

Eventually, you’ll be able to do this during sex which will give you much more satisfaction, make you feel more energized and hornier than ever.

More driven imo.

Additionally, you’re able to remain hard and orgasm multiple times (my record is 6 solo, three during sex #TMI). Your girl will be able to get multiple orgasms too, since you can last (almost) indefinitely, which makes her more confident, perform better and happier.

And who doesn’t love seeing their girl enjoy herself?

Best of both worlds eh?

Sex Practice

By training your pc muscles during solo practice you’ll incrementally get better at controlling and restraining your ejaculation to the point you can last indefinitely. You can practice solo as a warm-up for “the real thing”.

During sex, when you get close to the point of no return, use what is called “locking the gate”

1. Stop thrusting, hold your breath, squueze your pc muscles tightly and retreat (so only your tip is inside your girl).
2. Take a deep breath and hold it, then do 10 rapid, strong contractions of your pc muscles, anal sphincter and your glutes.
3. Clench your teeth, press tongue against roof of mouth
4. Straighten your neck and back
5. Clench fists
6. Exhale after contractions (repeat cycle if necessary)

Just talk about it with your girl that you would like to “try something new.”

By preserving your semen and opting for dry orgasms (good) over spludge orgasms (bad) you’ll get the following benefits;

• You can have multiple orgasms
• She can have multiple orgasms
• You don’t have energy/motivation drains from ejaculations
• You can last indefinitely (almost at least)
• You feel more driven (that’s what I’ve noticed)
• It increases testosterone (study)
• Other noted benefits, courtesy of reddit

Essence

Less ejaculations = more energy and desire to do shit.

Don’t waste your precious seed in front of a stupid screen but go out and get a grip on life (and not your dick). In the end it’s definitely worth a shot, even if you think it’s not going to do much good.

Also: You need a creative exhaust for your sexual energy to be channeled into something more productive: a company, a passion, a blog or a project you’re working on. Otherwise it will find lesser ways of release. 

Men are builders – so you should be building shit.

Here’s what you do, even if you’re not that into it;

Try it for 30 days using my 30-day Challenge Calendar and see if you don’t notice any improvements. My recommendations;

• Don’t masturbate nor watch porn at all for 30 days.
• Practice the solo dry orgasms through masturbating x amounts of days for 30 days.
• Practice the sex dry orgasms with your girl (but don’t ejaculate) for 30 days

Report back how you feel on this post.

Ultimately, the goal is to feel alive and energized AND have a fulfilling sex life in the end. I think this is the way to go.

Additional Resources you should check;

• The Multi-Orgasmic Man (How to become multi-orgasmic)
• Secrets Of Sexual Ecstacy – The oriental art of ejaculation control (How to control ejaculations)
• NoFap (Official Website) (Website on not masturbating)
• Bulletproof Sex (Social proof)
• Harness Sex Energy (Social proof)

Dave Asprey & Christopher Ryan on the nature of human sexuality;

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Thanks for reading this post on cultivating your sexual energy. If you think this article can help out a chronic masturbator you know, be sure to pass it around ;) Anyway, if you’re having any more thoughts or questions on this topic, feel free to leave a comment in the section below.

Note: I’m (fairly) active on Twitter now. I think there’s too much “noise” on Facebook.

Take care & stay strong.

– S

NoteNote: Cool Song

Social relationships are tough – or at least for me they’ve always been that way. I consider myself to be a quite reserved, logical person and have had a lot of trouble “connecting” with others.

Ugh – emotions.

I know.

However, social skills can be practiced like any other skill and therefore I’ve made for myself a checklist I keep in my mind when dealing with people. I consider these essentials rules that govern all human interactions.

Although I don’t always apply them as well as I should – it has definitely made me more aware of how I treat others.

Here’s 10 basic laws that’ll transform you from a social retard into a… lesser social retard

Enjoy.

————————————————————–

1) Empathic Listening

Listen first before responding

The first step in not being a judgmental asshole is to listen to others. Mostly we subscribe other people with our own autobiography without even trying to see through their eyes. We’re so quick to judge and react to others without taking into account their views.

The second step is understanding others by reflecting what they’re saying and how they’re feeling about that. Literally try to see the world through their eyes;

See the difference?

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak. They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives. – Stephen R. Covey

Different lives create different beliefs. Yet we use our own paradigms as the measuring stick for others. If there’s only one thing you should take away for social skills it’s simply shutting up & listening attentively to others.

2) Integrity

Have an alignment in your words, thoughts & actions.

This might be the single most important factor.

I think integrity contains two things;

• The words you speak are the truth (honesty & openness)
• You make the truth align with your words (making & keeping commitments)

I’ll go deeper into both of them;

Honesty & Openness

Having duplicitous interests, hidden agenda’s & power games – skip on that stuff. (know how to recognize that behavior in others – but don’t deal in it yourself). Honesty & openness is simply the best long-term strategy for building up trust.

How to be honest?

The only thing that comes out of your mouth is the truth – Simple

How to be open?

Put your thoughts “out there”. “Open up” & talk about how you feel, what you really think, what you find important and how you look at life.

This is difficult and you’ll need a strong sense of self-esteem to pull it off. It’s much easier to just go with the flow and stay quiet instead of standing for things you believe in.

Openness is the most important building block for trust.

(Additionally: I also have an active hatred for small-talk.)

Why talk about the latest game of thrones episode? What new item you bought or what Susy was wearing at a party?

Who the fuck cares.

1. Express yourself and talk about stuff that actually matters. Talk about your/their passions, emotions, goals, health, problems, relationships, progress and whatnot. Skip on the superficial bullcrap that isn’t serving anyone. Actually get to know people
2. Question other peoples’ behavior, never judge it. Ask why they behave the way they do and maybe you’ll learn something from it too.Also: If someone’s opinion clashes with your view – simply question them about it. Dig deep. Don’t tear it down – but inquire why they think that way.
3. Don’t sugar-coat reality to spare feelings. It’s best practice to be straight-forward and honest even though  this is more difficult. I believe being honest is more important than being kind.

>”Does my ass look fat in this pants?”
– Yes, yes it does.

(Probably why I’m single)

Making & Keeping commitments

Simply keeping and respecting promises to yourself and others is one the best ways to build up trust. It’s what makes us feel in control of our life.

Here are the steps required;

1. When you make a promise; stick to it.

That’s it.

I don’t care what other “priorities” come up.

There are no valuable excuses – unless it’s really really really important (and then still should you be apologizing sincerely.)

When you say something – you’re responsible for the consequences. Your word is your honor. Your word is a mark of credibility, reliability as a man.

It should mean something to you.

Even if you don’t really care about the person, do it anyway for the sake of consistency.

Unless there’s a really good reason you can’t keep your word you simply do what you say you’re going to do. If you don’t live up to those promises you set – you should feel bad about yourself and not delegate the responsibility to others.

3) Engagement

Make an effort to stay in touch

When we’re getting older most friendships from high-school/college slowly start to dissolve. Not because we’ve gotten into a fight or because we started to dislike that person but because we didn’t put in an active effort to preserve the bond.

The relationship slowly dies out.

Relationships are though and your ways are probably going to split up in your mid/late twenties. Take some time to select what traits you’re looking for in your closest friends and go the extra mile for them.

Send them an extra text, schedule/plan a cool activity, leave a comment on their facebook update.

Whatever.

Make it a priority to stay in touch weekly and meet up at least once each other week with people you genuinely care about. If you don’t prioritize your social life when you’re younger you’ll have a MUCH harder time meeting people as you get older.

4) Apologize Sincerely

When you’ve done something to harm a relationship – be the first one to make it up.

Simple as that.

I know it’s difficult to stay objective during emotional times but always be the one to take the first step to apologize for the conflict. Even if you believe it wasn’t your fault.

Shit happens; you sometimes say things you didn’t want to say, you forgot something that meant the world to somebody else or maybe you just don’t understand what that other person is getting all emotional about.

People are incredibly emotional at times and irrational – I know.

Hey, we’re all flawed – who cares about the cause?

If you care about the bond you had, don’t let it drag on and infect you relationship even further. Nothing hurts like open wounds.

You be the one to initiate and keep your ego out of it.

5) Remember & Use Names

Remember people

Peoples’ name are their identity. If you remember their names they’ll realize they’re valuable to you. Imagine a person you haven’t seen for over a year who addresses you by your first name and is able to pick up on recent activities in your life. How cool would that be?

Very cool

How?

I (used to) keep a log of some of the people I meet in my cell-phone and whom I might run into later. I put their names in different categories based on the place I’ve met them (I might also add some extra traits that make them stand out).

Like so;

When I’m waiting in line, long toilet breaks (veggies have lots of fiber) or am otherwise occupied in a menial task I check the lists and visualize the face that belongs to the name.

6) Focus On Them

Talk about things that interests others

What’s peoples’ favorite subject?

Porn

Themselves.

Talk about their interests and their life most of the time.

Heck, you don’t even have to talk – I rarely do. I mostly just listen and ask questions.

If you’re looking for important subjects in other peoples life, try FORM

• Family
• Occupation (work, passion, hobbies, … )
• Relationships
• Money

7) Watch The Little Things

Think about the little acts of kindness in someone’s life.

• Specific thanking for a task they’ve done for you.
• Appreciate people who thank you for a task you’ve done for them
  • It was nothing
  • I’m glad I was able to help you with that
• Little gifts
• Leave notes
• Remember special occasions (birthdays, marriages, …)

It’s mostly the small things we remember the most as they are so exceptional.

I’ve recently slept on a dorm room of a friend and upon leaving I left a little note with a beer on his desk. Now, two months later he slept on my dorm room and left a humongous amount of tea on my counter-top.

It’s not an accident – he remembered.

8) Help

Help them out

People want to advance in their life. They want more money, better relationships, better health or any other thing that might improve their life quality. Try to find an area you can help the person you’re talking to with.

An area you’re an expert in perhaps?

This doesn’t have to be a major time-consumption. Again, don’t make promises you can’t keep (step 2).

You don’t have to make huge efforts to help people out who are struggling with something. Try to help them with minimal effort from your part but with something that could mean the world to someone else.

Low investment – high perceived value.

Here’s some good examples;

• Introduce two connections
• Recommend a good habit
• Give them good advice or send them a helpful article
• Recommendations for products that might help them
• Constructive feedback & encouragement
• Ask a question about their life (show interest)
• Gifts (physical/digital products/newsletters/checklists)
• Info-graphs/images

9) Be Interesting

Stand out

Intelligence is a very desirable trait in our information-society.

If you can give people an aha-moment/idea in whatever field you’re more likely to be ascribed higher in their book and be remembered.

Acquire new perspectives and experiences by;

1. Reading a lot of books
2. Doing a lot of new things

Don’t waste your time watching tv, playing video games, watching porn and so-on, that’s just another average person wasting his life away.

(Seriously: If you still watch tv, play video games, watch porn, eat fast food & too much sugar, don’t work out and don’t read you’re clearly not picking up anything from my blog)

Don’t be average.

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – Benjamin Franklin

10) Be Positive

Control your emotions

Try to smile at people – Even a cheap grin is better than a sour face.

People love to be around optimistic people who improve their life quality. We gravitate towards positivity in difficult times.

Depressed or neurotic people act like a natural repellent.

How?

Our emotions are controlled largely by the things we choose to focus on, which spreads out into our behavior, body language and our words.

Try to control your emotional state at all costs by choosing what to focus on. Even if you don’t feel like it. Demand of yourself to be happy, maybe not because circumstances allow you to but because you deserve to be happy.

Don’t ask yourself questions that will bring down your state but ask questions that will lift you up;

• Why do I suck this much at x?
• What’s going great about x?

Your brain will come up with a valid answer to whatever question you ask it.

If you don’t want stupid answers, stop asking stupid questions.

When your phonograph is playing music you don’t like, you do not try to force it to do better. You do not use effort or will power. You do not bang the phonograph around. You do not try to change the music itself. You merely change the record being played and the music takes care of itself.

 

Use the same technique on the “music” that comes out of your own internal machine. Don’t pit your will directly against the “music.” As long as the same mental imagery (the cause) occupies your attention, no amount of effort will change the music (the result). Instead, try putting a new record on. Change your mental imagery, and the feelings will take care of themselves. – Maxwell Maltz (Psycho-Cybernetics)

Don’t fake it either – if it doesn’t feel natural just give them a friendly nod.

If you can’t be nice – just make sure you’re not a total asshole

(You can also just clear your mind – that solves a lot of problems too)

Essence

That’s all – You’ve officially become less socially retarded!

Congrats!

I recommend everyone to prioritize a great social life.

There will always be more work to do –  however – friends & family will not stick around forever. If you don’t build up these skills/close circle of friends when you’re young you’ll have a lot more difficulty meeting new people as you grow older and eventually there won’t be many people left when you need emotional support.

Try to combine this into a social hobby you can do regularly. Something you do just for the sake of meeting new people. I don’t care what you do; dancing, cooking, erotic writing or extreme ironing,

It doesn’t matter as long as you do it – heck, you don’t even have to like it.

Simply know this; If you don’t want to be a social retard for the rest of your life, you’ll have to regularly practice them social skills.

This post will get you there.

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Thanks for reading this article – If you’re having anymore thoughts or suggestions on this topic, feel free to leave a comment in the section below and I’ll respond asap.

Share if you like – it’s appreciated.

Take care & stay strong,

– Simon

“Our brain are battlefields between our nature and our nurture.”

 

Life = struggle.

Life was never meant to be happy, life was meant to be effective.

We live in a lovy-dovy fairy-tale world where we try to twist our animalistic nature with sugar-coated social narratives.

Sorry to be so dramatic – but it’s quite true.

• “Every boy can find the right girl”
• “Sugar isn’t bad in moderation”
• “Marriage can work easily if there’s just enough love”
• “Follow your passion and everything will fall into place”

It doesn’t really work out that way, you know.

Accept for.. fairy tales maybe..

The world is controlled by natural laws, not cultural make-belief; gravity, evolution, climate change, aging, sexual selection and also; instinct. These are unavoidable no matter how hard you try.

And we’ve tried.. – believe me.

In our society the evolutionary agenda always seems to peek trough the surface layer of the social narrative we’re given – conflict soon followed.

For every drift we’ve made from our “natural way of living” we’ve suffered its respective consequences;

• Over-consumption of trans-fats and sugar (mainly) leading to obesity, diabetes, heart-disease, … . Overindulged nature leads to self-destruction
• Suppression of sexual instinct by cultural “morals” corrupt our behavior leading to stoning (in Arabic culture), mutilation of genitals, child abuse in the catholic church, porn addictions, … . Suppressed nature manifests itself in darker ways.
• Advent of agriculture made private property possible and we shifted from a egalitarian society to a more capitalistic one.

What parts of culture are actually against human nature and how can we return to our origin? And more importantly; how can we thrive in this world and make ourselves future proof?

You are still an animal – stop pretending you’re not.

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The Origin Of All Problems

“Man can do what he wills but he cannot will what he wills” – Arthur Shopenhauer

 

The way we are is the result of evolution; ALL the things we want have been planted in our DNA. Whether we like it or not. It’s there for a damn good reason.

Although we can choose what we want to do with our time – our options are limited to fulfilling our basic needs.

And what does every human want?

Survival & procreation.

Access to sex and resources is what everyone is after. It’s what drives most of our behavior and is of primary importance.

Not happiness, not passion, not meaning, not education, not love …

Sex & money

It’s only until these needs become suppressed or overindulged that we get a real problem.

So..

How are we doing?

By becoming the most dominant species on this planet years ago we’ve practically guaranteed indefinite survival. At least in the more developed countries it’s like this.

• You don’t have to go out hunting for your food daily
• You don’t have to sleep on the streets anymore
• Sex is something different – although we’ve found other ways to satisfy those needs (masturbation to free porn mainly)

Fact: Porn statistics are trough the roof.

Life purpose completed, right?

Our instincts no longer have a clue what we’re supposed to do and therefore we’re just making up our own direction by filling up our time and finding our own meaning.

Most can’t handle this and fall into a black hole without direction. A situation Viktor Frankl coined “The Existential Depression“. 

E.g. The Human Plant-Zombie

The main cause for this existential depression is that we’re going trough the fastest period of progression growth in human history ever.

EVER

Technology is going crazy, population is expanding at an enormous rate whilst fossil fuels can barely keep up our throwaway society.

Times are changing fast.

The main cause?

The start of agriculture

Since the agricultural revolution has arisen we’ve shifted from a egalitarian system of culturally imposed sharing to one of private property.

Everything changed.

Land could now be possessed, owned, and passed down the generations. Food that had been hunted and gathered now had to be sowed, tended, harvested, stored, defended, bought, and sold. Fences, walls, and irrigation systems had to be built and reinforced; armies to defend it all had to be raised, fed, and controlled. Because of private property, for the first time in the history of our species, paternity became a crucial concern

 

With agriculture, virtually everything changed: the nature of status and power, social and family structures, how humans interacted with the natural world, the gods they worshiped, the likelihood and nature of warfare between groups, quality of life, longevity and the rules governing sexuality – Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jetha

The term “prehistoric communism” definitely applies.

The Result?

Life became a struggle for resources & sex.

A struggle for the right to procreate and survive. As our population density grows and resources grow scarcer the world gets more competitive by the day.

In small groups egalitarianism is the best way to reduce risk by equally distributing resources and building strong social bonds.

Yet – in larger groups selfishness is harder to control and leads to a “free-rider”-effect

Meaning they take resources from the communal pile  – but don’t provide any back.

“What allows these chain-linked tragedies is the absence of local, personal shame. We ignore the fine-grain contours of life in small-scale communities where nobody “could have escaped public scrutiny and judgment,” in Rousseau’s words.

 

These tragedies become inevitable only when the group size exceeds our species’ capacity for keeping track of one another, a point that’s come to be known as Dunbar’s number“

We become more selfish/corrupted as group-size increases and resources get scarcer as there aren’t social consequences for free-riding.

With rising competition we’ve tried our best to use, suppress, indulge and control these needs throughout history – leading to all kinds of modern problems.

Human desire is not to be suppressed nor indulged but controlled

The Symptoms

We’ve suffered consequences that can be seen in all areas of our life.

Relationships

Relationships shifted from an egalitarian perspective where sex was mutually shared (Bonobo model) to one of private property. Women shifted from a high-status role in the tribe to another “possession” for the man to own besides his livestock and lands.

Unequal access to resources lead to a reproductive trade-off. The unspoken contract of status & wealth provided by the men for sexual fidelity by the women arose.

Power-struggles, income inequality and confused gender roles galore

The “paradox” of traditional gender roles is, in this sense, a product of the opposition between what our genes and past culture dispose us to do and what our present culture now prescribes.
The same traditional gender roles that facilitate men’s and
women’s attraction to each other may also, in the context of egalitarian social ideals, impede their ability to communicate and lead to dissatisfaction in their relationships. – William Ickes

Additionally; monogamy started to become the cultural norm – imposed by religion.

Religious extremism infected behavior to control our sexual instincts  throughout history- resulting (still up to this day) in divorce, mutilation, oppression, child abuse, corruption, adultery and whatnot.

“About 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.” – American Psychological Association

Not to say how many couples stay together for financial security, children, convenience and whatnot. How many are actually “happy”?

• Happily-ever-after?
• You just need enough “love”?
• …

Against our nature is what I’d say.

Here’s another mess;

Health

With agriculture came more carbohydrates; wheat, cane, squash & mainly sugar.

Probably the worst thing you can eat these days. Especially in the form of high fructose corn syrop.

Yes – It’s a cost-effective way to feed a lot of people but humans were not designed for such a diet. Our bodies can’t operate on such abundance of carbs.

Multinationals (who stopped caring about your health a looooong time ago) play into your natural desire for high-fat and high-sugary foods. So they manufacture and modify the desired ingredients to get the most dopamine-inducing foods possible.

Irresistible treats for our biological nature – addictive to a great extent.

Which destroys your brain and makes other, healthier foods taste like cardboard.

And off course;

Money

“Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?”

Private property meant we now had resources to protect. Off-course you couldn’t keep everything to yourself (environment, theft, decay, …) and therefore we made houses where our resources were “safely” kept in the form of money.

Banks.

Leading to a concentration of power without real social control/scrutiny in large groups.

What did I say about overindulged nature again?

Oh yes..

Moral corruption;

Solution?

I can’t really criticize the world without providing an alternative – can I?

Yes.

Yes I can – But I’ll try anyway;

I believe a more capitalistic system is necessary as population has simply grown too large. Greater groups leads to an uncontrolled “free-rider” effect where people take resources at the expense of others – leading to an immoral downward spiral of power struggles.

Here’s some more questions that need answering;

• Are there enough resources for everyone? I don’t know
• Can we get more social control to monitor free-riding? Maybe
• Do we need global population control & resource management? Definitely

Now, for the best part;  How can you – considering these trends – make yourself future proof ?

Health

Difficulty Level: Simple

• Gradually switch to paleo-diet/ketogenic diet. Here’s what you can eat
• Do some weight-training 3/4 times per week

Social

Difficulty Level: Might Hurt/Be Uncomfortable 

Friends

• Become a more confident, high-status man trough self-development
• Look your best & have a sorted out lifestyle (money, hobbies, friends, ..)
• Get better social skills (Read; How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie)
• Make small circles of reciprocal kindness with close friends (practice egalitarianism in your own “select group”

Dating

• Don’t get married, ever– lifelong monogamy is against human nature and will come back later to bite you in the ass. Coolidge-effect
• Read “Models” by Mark Manson – Seriously. Best book on dating EVER
• Don’t watch porn – it screws up your brain. Use the building arousal to “hunt” for real women. Approach.
• Masturbation (dry orgasms preferably) and prostitution are still better than porn.

Note; I’m wondering what indefinite access to sex would do for our society in regards to conflict, rape, theft, adultery, violence & murder. I’d think we’d be a lot more relaxed if people weren’t so sexually deprived.

Money

Difficulty Level: Dragging-your-balls-trough-a-desert-of-broken-glass-difficult

This might be the trickiest part.. . But from what I’ve learned so far, this is my best guess;

Being able to do what others cannot is what makes you valuable.

Anyone can sell shoes, anyone can run behind a dumpster truck, anyone can sell fast-food. But not everyone knows how to build a house, lay electrical wiring or perform an open-heart-surgery.

The more difficult and in-demand your skills are – the higher your pay-grade will rise.

For illustrative purposes I’ve made this fancy info-graphic; 

This means that the barrier of entry for competitors will be high (less competition) and you work in a field where your skills are highly valued.

So;

• Learn difficult, high-in demand skills
• Additionally, building on strength gives you an “edge” on others. 
• Combine these in an entrepreneurial venture. (Everyone will need to be an entrepreneur soon)

Essence

The world isn’t always sunshine and rainbows like our culture wants to make you believe.

Although humans are by nature altruistic, the world is getting more and more competitive. Overpopulation caused by agriculture makes humanity go head-forth towards an Malthusian catastrophe.

Don’t be the sucker who’s getting ill-treated because he’s unaware of the disguised interests of people around you. No human can completely resist their nature for sex and resources.

It doesn’t mean you have to become distrustful towards everybody just know to stay alert when it comes to money, relationships and health. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. 

Life has become a competitive game – learn to play it to your best abilities. 

So make good long-term choices in each area.

Passion is spewed around as being the holy grail of life (especially in self development circles) meaning we”ll slide across the rainbow happily ever after. But the point is simply this: If you aren’t highly skilled at a in-demand task there’s chances you won’t EVER be able to make a lot of money from it.

Marriage is supposed to be effortless and the “ideal” model for love – yet it goes against your polygamous nature. Lifelong monogamy is a culturally imposed hoax.

Carb are bad – Eat more fats.

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Thanks for reading my post and congrats on getting this far! If you have any more thoughts or questions on this post feel free to leave them in the comment section below.

Take care & Stay Strong

– Simon

PS: This post might be a bit controversial – keep feedback constructive ;)
PPS: Cool quora discussion 

What is The “67 Steps” Program?

The last couple of months I’ve stumbled upon something I’ve never come across before on the internet..

It’s a video course where Tai Lopez (An investor, entrepreneur and author) talks about 67 important lessons he learned throughout his life.

By balancing your health, your wealth and your social life you’ll reach a state of eudaimonia. Which is a fancy word for “excellent life quality” – or as Tai calls it; “The Good Life”

Tai illustrates each topic with personal stories from his life or insights he picked up from reading books.

And he has read quite a few… (5000+ )

The course is was completely free and you even got a additional copy of “Managing Oneself” by Peter Drucker to discover your personal strengths.

This course is gold

It this review I’m going to share the most important lessons I’ve learned from the course and how I plan to implement those steps into my life (the ones I’ve found relevant at least)

At the moment I’m at 16 19 21 different key lessons.

Note: These are my personal interpretations of what his 67 steps mean. Different conclusions are always possible.

Let’s go.

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1) Be Worth A Damn

To deserve the life you want, you’ll have to do the actions that are necessary.

He says most people are delusional. We somehow think we’re entitled to “the good life” without putting in the effort required to actually get there.

When you look at your life today, would you objectively say you deserve a higher life quality than others – according to the work you’ve put in? Are you better than your competition?

Look around in your life, who would you bet on to make a million dollars? Would you bet on yourself? If not – what needs to change?

Application & Thoughts

Take on an attitude of full responsibility for your own life. If you want a higher life quality there will be things you’ll have to do and things you’ll have to give up. This way you’ll increase your chances of attaining the life you desire (duh).

How?

This made me look at my life and compile a list of essential habits that are required to build a great life. Then I proceeded to break these down into actionable steps to implement gradually.

2) Be Adaptable

This step is based on the theory of evolution which states that the person who’s best-adapted to his environment is the one that’ll survive. “The good life” doesn’t go to people who don’t notice the “change of seasons.”

The person with static skills will never thrive in an dynamic environment. Look for changes & trends and use those to your advantage. Make choices on a long-term basis.

Application & Thoughts

Be aware of your current actions and surroundings. Check up on your habits and see if the way you’re living is an ESS (evolutionary stable strategy) meaning you quantify your decisions based on long-term thinking.

Devise a survival strategy for your life.

• Is eating at McDonalds a maintainable strategy?
• Is spending money on clothes and dinners a maintainable strategy?
• Is working a 9-5 job without added entrepreneurship a maintainable strategy?

The way I do this is by staying aware of political, social, economic and technological trends. I wouldn’t watch the news (solely) since they are heavily biased towards ratings.

Subscribe to different websites who keep you updated of occurring events that may impact your life.

3) Be Humble

Everyone has a piece of gold that we can extract from them. We find humility in what we learn from others, even the ones we think can’t provide us any value.

Be teachable by people who achieved far greater results than you have. Look for deep domain expertise (does he/she actually have the knowledge?) and references (does he/she have the results you desire?)

Many people are unhumble know-it-alls, unable to listen to people who know more than they do.

Application & Thoughts

Spend more time learning from the ones that came before you and less from your own mistakes. Spend your money on books & seminars. Spend more time tracking down and networking with mentors.

This will enable you to avoid a lot of mistakes by “standing on the shoulders of giants”. It allows you to tap into the collective wisdom of great minds that have come before you.

4) Get A Mentor

Mentors will shave years of your learning curve and I recommend you to get one. Whether this is in books, seminars or real-life.

Mentor others too. Tai talks about the law of 33%, which states that you should spend;

• 1/3 of your time with people below you (the ones you mentor)
• 1/3 of your time with people on your level (close friends, brothers in arms)
• 1/3 of your time with people above you (your mentors)

Find people who aren’t full time teachers but are actually making money with the things they’re preaching about. Keep in mind that;

• Good mentors are busy (He mentions a story in which a man tried 17 times before he got mentored)
• Some are burned up
• Build the relationship slowly (Establish contact over a 18 month period)
• Don’t be a leech, provide value by using the concept of reciprocal kindness.
• Interview people you admire on a self-created platform
• Buy and read their books

Application & Thoughts

Make a list of 10 mentors and contact all of them. A great way to create a networking spreadsheet is by using the free ebook from John Corcoran – I’ve found it to be invaluable.

I don’t necessarily believe the law of 33% is that relevant/practical. Learn from the great and teach it to others (to improve your memory)

5) Ignore The 99%

Most people’s opinions are simply reflections of social bias. Look for references and signs of expertise before taking advice.

• Don’t trust health advice from a personal trainer that’s overweight.
• Don’t take money advice from someone’s who’s constantly struggling financially.
• Don’t listen to relationship advice from someone who doesn’t have a (girl)friend(s)

All (sustainable) success comes from “the grind”. Process over events.

You have less chance of winning the lottery than you have of;

• Getting hit by lightning
• Being eaten by a shark
• Being hit by a piece of scrap metal from a plane

Yet how many people buy lottery tickets each day?

Look at your life as one big piece of marble and everyday you grind away one small piece of imperfection. Tai calls this “the sculpture approach”. Choose the general direction you want to go and adjust accordingly. Most people are looking for “events” as opposed to “grinds”.

Health, wealth and love don’t come in events but by carefully selected actions every single day. Don’t think others have it easier than you – they don’t.

You often come to the conclusion that other peoples’ good fortune is derived from a factor outside of their control, that their favorable achievements can be attributed to circumstances. This is because you’ve never seen the hard work, doubts and pain involved that gave birth to those successes.

We don’t observe the inner workings of another and are therefore more inclined to ascribe their successes to outside forces.

Tai compares this to observing the passing seasons.

“We only observe people who are in the fall (harvest) of their life. Forgetting about the longs months of planting in the spring and cultivating during the summer that preceded”

Most are delusional as to how much time it’ll take to get the results they’re looking for. They’ve never planted nor cultivated their crops – yet hope to harvest in the fall.

Application & Thoughts?

Set a realistic time-frame it’ll take to achieve expertise. Focus on planting and cultivating good actions instead of hoping for events.

A mind shift from events towards processes.

…

And don’t ever buy lottery tickets, that makes you a fool – seriously.

7) Escape The Salary Mentality

We have been conditioned all our lives to feel helpless and dependent on others. By being constantly provided by our school, our parents and later our jobs with secure income we have become “learned helpless” meaning we have hardwired our brain to need a steady/regular income.

Get away from this. Stop getting paid for the time you spend in a certain place but start wiring your brain to get paid for performance.

It will make you responsible for your own financial support by actively searching new opportunities you can turn into a profit. If you’ve hardwired your brain in this salary-slave-mentality you become blind to new opportunities.

Application & Thoughts

Ask your employer to get paid according to your performance instead of your time. Tell him your reasoning and ask him how you can improve your performance. This is a win-win.

Secondly analyze your strengths (see step 12) and skills you can combine to create value for others.

• Are you good at repairing? Repair some stuff from people you know
• Do you know about health & fitness? Make a training program and sell it to your friends
• …

Initially it’s not about the profit you make but about the re-wiring of your brain to avoid downward spirals of bad habits.

8) Life Long Learning

“Survival machines that can simulate the future are one jump ahead of survival machines that can only learn based on trial and error”

Tai recommends to learn from the failures of others instead of only relying on your own. Trial and error takes times and energy – frequent errors can even be fatal. Simulations (derived from books) are both safer and faster.

How?

Learn from books! 

This is invaluable. We’ve been conditioned by school that learning is boring and unrewarding but this is simply not true.

It’s not enough anymore in our current information-society to be a mere expert – let alone a generalist.

Tai recommends everyone to become a so-called “renaissance-man” or polymath. Become highly specialized in one particular field and develop conversational level depth in all other subjects. Become so good at one particular field they can’t ignore you.

“Be impressive beyond belief in one thing”

This will allow you to stir & combine more ideas in your mind which will blend to form great opportunities. Tai recommends learning about science, music, language, history & culture (literature, art & poetry)

Application & Thoughts

Life-long continuous learning. I recommend to master health, social and your area of expertise first before spreading out since those are most practical. Learn from others’ mistakes first.

Here’s how to read a book;

1. Read non-fiction books that help improve your life quality.
2. Ask yourself; How will I use this information to improve my life quality/move me closer to my goals?
3. What questions will this material answer?
4. Don’t read everything! (20%ofthebookyou’re reading has 80% of the content; It’s you job to find it/filter it out. See yourself as a gold-miner)
   • Read cover, back, contents, introduction and conclusion first then select chapters that help you answer the question you had in step 3

My Guide To Optimal Learning

9) Be Tough

Tai recommends everyone to take on a more stoic view on life. Meaning you should “sacrifice today for a better tomorrow”. We – as a society – have become too soft. Too YOLO.

“Adversity makes men and prosperity creates monsters.”

Spartans used to go through the agoge learning stealth, cunning, fighting skills and mental resilience from the ages of 7(!) till 21.

Nowadays? There’s nothing like that.

We suffer from a lack of role models, an estrogen inducing diet, media propaganda, too much comfort and more stuff that is making us a shade of our former selves.

Application & Thoughts

Here’s some I do;

• Take a cold shower every morning
• Eat a ketogenic or paleolithic diet high in fat to increase testosterone
• Wake up early (between 5-7 AM) every day
• Do deadlifts, squats and bench presses
• DO NOT watch porn nor masturbate
• Monitor your body language and self-talk

It’s not about what you do that really matters but about the the mental resilience that discomfort builds.

Read My Post On Being A Man

10) Master Your Mind

Our brain is mal-adapted to the times we live in. It is human tendency to move away from pain and into pleasure. Our limbic system is still geared towards instant gratification based on instinct whilst our “newer” neocortex makes more intelligent long-term decisions

“Your neuroprogramming doesn’t understand the complexities of the modern world.”

For Example;

• Fast Food
• Drugs
• Alcohol
• Narcotics
• Sugar
• Frivolous spending
• …

They all create dopamine highs (pleasure hormone) you become addicted to.

But as many studies have proven time and time again these habits are not good for us in the long-term. Over-indulgence has led to many of the recent problems in our modern world.

Application & Thoughts

Don’t trust your own brain

See your brain as a divided entity: one being your instinctual craving for instant gratification – the part that’s holding you back. The other being the “real you” (e.g. your neocortex) which makes intelligent decisions.

GREAT quote I’ve stumbled upon recently;

“Our brains are battlefields between our nature and our nurture” – Carlo

11) Build On Strength

People leave school without knowing the things they excel at nor in which industry they can thrive. This skipping from job to job disables them to really develop deep domain expertise which is a requisite for making it big.

“A person can only perform from strengths, and cannot build performance on weakness.

 

“Successful careers are not planned. They develop when people are prepared for opportunities because they know their strengths, their method of work, and their values.”

 

“It takes far less energy to move from first-rate performance to excellence than it does to move from incompetence to mediocrity.” – Peter Drucker

Application & Thoughts

Read Managing Oneself by Peter Drucker or Download The Summary. Find answers to the underlying questions, they are indicators of strengths.

• In what did you grow up around?
• What do strangers compliment you on?
• What did you want to become as a child (what were the underlying trends?)
• What have you been doing the last 10 years?
• What can you effortlessly talk about without losing drive?
• What are the things you effortlessly excel at? What comes easy for you?
• What are the things that make you feel energetic when you do them?
• In what areas do you learning quickly?
• Who do you envy? Who are your mentors?

Build up an array of intangible and tangible skills that are highly desired and difficult to learn suited to your strengths.

If you’re more of an introvert and dislike unstructured/chaotic environments, don’t place yourself in those. If you find you thrive in stimulating environments or need to work with people, go for that.

Read My Post On Finding Your Strengths

12) Find Something You Like – Not “Passion”

Look for work you can sustain for a long time. Your work is going to fill a large part of your adult life therefore it’s imperative you put yourself in a position you can excel at (by knowing your strengths).

Tai states that if you have a job where you need vacation from, you should never go back to it.

A life you need vacation from is a pathetic life.

He goes on to say you shouldn’t look for your passion either, looking for that illusive pot of gold that “feels just right”. It will send you on a wild-goose chase blocking you from building up deep domain expertise in one area.

Find something you like instead.

“Never do something you love, once you do it for work you won’t love it anymore. Do what you like” – Allan Nation

It’s ok to have an eb and flow of work and play  but your end-game shouldn’t be vacation. It should be – as he calls it – “tapdancing” out of bed. Meaning you’re excited and motivated to start your day and feel competent at what you’re doing.

Application & Thoughts

Don’t look for passion but build on strength. We’re often told to “follow our passion” but that’s rarely adequate. Position yourself in areas you like and are good at and after a while you’ll learn to love it.

Find work you have an natural advantage in and use that to your own benefit. It’ll become your passion after a while.

Again, read managing oneself.

13) Be Prepared

Our life is the combined result of our knowledge and our ignorance. We achieve what we understand deeply but lose that what we’re ignorant about.

Ask yourself how many “tools” you have in your tool-belt to deal with your problems. Are you well-rounded enough?

If you don’t have it in your head, you’ll have it in your heel.

(meaning ignorance is costly)

Application & Thoughts

Ask yourself the worst case scenarios that can happen in each area of your life; what is necessary to prepare yourself  for the future? Do you know;

• Basic physiology & nutrition to eat well?
• Psychology to improve your mindset?
• Accounting to maintain the money you’re having?
• Investing to grow it?
• Social skills to build strong relationships?
• How to build attraction with the opposite gender for intimate relationships?
• …

14) Adopt The Investor Mentality

It’s not enough to merely make money, it has to be maintained and grown into larger quantities. Adopt the “investor mentality” and start spending money on things that bring you a return in profit over time.

Most people buy things that rust, rot or depreciate as Tai says; New furniture, latest technological gadgets, fancy cars they can’t afford and so-on. These are consumption’s – not investments.

See you dollars as little seeds you plant to generate and grow a better future.

Many people are frivolous in spending. Not only money but also time, energy and health. He recommends calculating the real cost involved of something instead of just taking into account the price.

• How many hours do you have to work to pay for this item?
• How much of your health are you sacrificing by eating “cheap” food?
• How much energy will this purchase cost you?

Application & Thoughts

Information is your most valuable asset.

• Invest in books, seminars & mentors
• Invest in good food for a clear mind (I recommend paleo/ketogenic type diet)
• Study investing before trusting-off your money to others!
• Spend money on events over material possessions to create what Daniel Kahnemann calls ‘memory happiness”
• Sell all the stuff you don’t use

15) Be A “Social Chameleon”

There are different types of people with different sets of personalities. Tai Lopez recommends becoming a “social chameleon” and shifting to a communication style suited to the person you’re talking to.

He has developed his own “personality system” to categorize 4 different people. (A bit like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.) He calls it the P.A.S.E.-system: Practical, Action, Social & Emotional. Representing 4 “styles” people embody.

• Practical people are slower. They like to plan their work and need a lot of structure. They are unmalleable.
• Action-takers burn through stuff. They’re more hands-on kind of types. They start a lot of stuff but don’t really finish it.
• Social people are more go-with-the-flow kind of people. They are more gregarious and people oriented. They can be flaky at times.
• Emotional people are comparable to deep oceans. They’re sensitive and intuitive.

Application & Thoughts

I don’t like his system but I like the purpose it serves. I’m convinced some personalty traits are inborn and it’s important to “speak other peoples’ language” and adapt to their way of thinking. Being  a social chameleon like Tai says.

I personally like the MBTI test for categorizing people.

• Talk quieter and more deeply with introverts
• Be more sensitive/caring around emotional people and more rational/to-the-point around logical ones.
• Read How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie (GREAT book)

16) Be A Truthseeker

Life is never black or white. It’s not enough to see through your own eyes but you should see the world through “truths eyes”.

What does this mean?

Never become adamant in any set of beliefs before heavy experimentation. 

Don’t be blinded by others. Much “common knowledge” is simply a reflection of social bias. Document YOUR reality by reading the “obvious signs”.

• Health: Take of your shirt and look at your body in the mirror. Is it healthy? Do you exercise? Do you eat right?
• Wealth: Open up your bank account next or check your financial template. Is your balance going down? Do you know you strengths? Are you taking initiative?
• Social: Lastly, check the relationships on your phone. Do you want more friends and/or more meaning in your relationships (breadth/depth?)

The closer we get to the truth the better we’ll do in each area.

Be a constant experimenter on yourself and track progress on the things you’re doing. Here’s the process one should go through to adopt the experimenter mentality;

1. Ask a research question
2. Research & Form a hypothesis (Ask opinions of experts)
3. Test it (1-3 months) – stick to it
4. Observe & record the process and the result
5. Make a conclusion
6. Implement/Discard

Application & Thoughts

The best way I’ve found is to experiment by keeping a journal. I’ve been writing one since late 2013. I’ve accumulated a lot of data and knowledge about my life. It allows me to see recurring trends and the results of my experiments. This way I can adjust my life to whats necessary.

I’ve tried;

• Eating 15 eggs a day
• Doing frequent morning runs at 5am
• Going out to nightclubs and approaching x amount of women in a night
• Doing sleeping experiments
• Keeping a dream diary for lucid dreaming
• 2-day fasting
• …

Discard useless experiments and implement what’s beneficial.

17) Define Your End-Game

Tai recommend doing “the funeral test” to see what you really want out of life. Envision your funeral and ask yourself what you would want other to say about you and your life. What will you have left behind? How will others remember you?

In your mind’s eye, see yourself going to the funeral of a loved one. Picture yourself driving to the funeral parlor or chapel, parking the car, and getting out. As you walk inside the building, you notice the flowers, the soft organ music. You see the faces of friends and family you pass along the way. You feel the shared sorrow of losing, the joy of having known, that radiates from the hearts of the people there.

 

As you walk down to the front of the room and look inside the casket, you suddenly come face to face with yourself. This is your funeral, three years from today. All these people have come to honor you, to express feelings of love and appreciation for your life.

 

As you take a seat and wait for the services to begin, you look at the program in your hand. There are to be four speakers. The first is from your family, immediate and also extended —children, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents who have come from all over the country to attend. The second speaker is one of your friends, someone who can give a sense of what you were as a person. The third speaker is from your work or profession. And the fourth is from your church or some community organization where you’ve been involved in service.

 

Now think deeply. What would you like each of these speakers to say about you and your life? What kind of husband, wife, father, or mother would like their words to reflect? What kind of son or daughter or cousin? What kind of friend? What kind of working associate?

 

What character would you like them to have seen in you? What contributions, what achievements would you want them to remember? Look carefully at the people around you. What difference would you like to have made in their lives? – 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

Look at your role models and the life they’ve build for themselves and ask whether you want to be In their shoes. Most people drift aimlessly because they’ve never really analyzed the results they’re looking for.

Without this it’s far too easy to become trapped in the plans of someone else.

Application & Thoughts

Define for each area of your life what you exactly want. I personally use the 7 areas of life approach to solve this problem but the visualization does help to figure out what you truly value.

Off course you’ll want the nice car, off course you’ll want the wild sexual adventures, off-course you’ll want to master your favorite instrument. But all that’s inessential simply burns away in contrast with death.

Read My Post On Setting Goals

18) Choose Relationships Wisely

The world is a competitive place where not everyone has you best interest at heart. The only person who does is yourself (and maybe some of your family). We’re selfish animals by instinct, programmed for survival. Not everyone adheres to the same moral laws you abide by.

Don’t be a sucker by not understanding human nature.

Irresistible forces are always at work. So don’t be fooled by outward appearances, people aren’t always what they project to be.

Morality is the cognitive victory on our animalistic nature. An unwritten code for effective living that can inspire trust and security. Yet it doesn’t always win on our instinctual war for scarce resources.

“Man can do what he wills but he cannot will what he wills”

the animal nature of man is a product of genetic evolution; the urges of man are therefore basal at best. Money, reproduction, happiness, sex, … .

Overall: be careful who you trust, especially when it comes to money.

Application & Thoughts

Set high criteria for the people you allow in your life. Stay away from the unfortunate, unlucky, emotional unstable or otherwise untrustable.

Interview & judge people through recommendations and background checking. It takes a while to completely trust someone, so let people be around you for a long time to see “all their sides”

19) Spend Time Wisely

Life is long if you know how to use it, most people waste their time on useless trivia. We’re not given a short life, but we’re wasteful of it.

Seneca describes 8 ways in which people waste their life;

1. Greedy activities
2. Dedication to useless tasks
3. Drinking & drugs
4. Laziness
5. Worrying what others think of you
6. Self-imposed servitude to thankless people
7. Pursuing others people money (making others rich)
8. Having no clear direction

Here’s another cool quote I’ve compiled from several different sources;

Poor is the man never able to unshackle the chains of his instinctual conditioning.

Predestined for waste, indulgence and decay is he who’s incapable to recollect yesterdays events, utilize today and anticipate the wonders of tomorrow.

Blind of time we waste much of it.

Merely existing, not living.

Don’t be without true pleasure or improvements of the mind – to avoid weeping over the days that will never come again.

Application & Thoughts

I think it’s best to divide your time between 80% stoicism and 20% epicureanism. I call it the 80/20 YOLO-Rule.

Read My Post On Time-Management

20) Prioritize

Not everything is equally important. In your effort to juggle around all things everything gets shortsighted.

There are six BIG lies when it comes to productivity (One Thing by Gary Keller)

• All things matter equally. Not everything is equally as important. There’s really only one thing that truly matters.
• Multitasking is good & efficient. Multitasking is a myth it’s simply switching back and forth between different tasks rapidly. Don’t let you workflow be interrupted by distractions (re-engaging in a project consumes considerably more time and energy)
• Discipline in everything is necessary.  You have to be selectively discipline. Success is about doing the right things right, not everything right. Become selectively disciplined until habits are formed.
• Willpower is always on will-call. Willpower is like a battery, it depletes over time. This concept is called willpower depletion. Think of it like the power bar on your cell-phone, it drains over time. Do your most important work first.
• Balance is important. To achieve an extraordinary result, you must choose what matters most and give it all the time it demands. This requires getting extremely out of balance related to other life areas.
• Big is bad. How big you think becomes the launching pad for how high you achieve. Our results are directly related to the magnitude of our thinking. Think big. Now double it.

Application & Thoughts

• Do your most important activities first
• Plan your “3-4 big rocks” the day before
• Don’t multitask
• Make habits 
• Read “The One Thing” by Gary Keller

Read my post on How To Focus On What Really Matters.

21) Shut The Fuck Up And Do Something

There’s so much lost potential of woulda, shoulda, coulda’s. It’s often not the ideas nor capacity that holds someone back in life as much as his own mind.

Who needs enemies when you got yourself, right?

When in doubt just do something. Action will always lead to a result. Whether a bad one or a good one. At least you’re learning. Doing nothing gets you nowhere.

Be courageous enough to do things other people shy away from. Be bold. There’s actually less competition for higher spots because nobody truly believes he is that valuable.

Be a bit delusional about yourself and just throw enough shit against the wall until something finally sticks.

“If you lose at least you tried man. “I failed” is 10x more of a man than someone who said “What if?” because “What if?” never went to the arena” – Greg Plitt

The doubt, insecurity and fear is a temporary price you pay for not being a spectator in life. Not sitting on the sidelines watching your life ooze by – no recollection of current events.

That might be some motivational rambling without real content but in the end there’s only two options you can take after reading this post;

• Action that might give you a chance for something better
• Fear until death & suffering takes you

Take your pick.

Conclusion

I think the content provided is legit although Tai talks a bit (too?) much and therefore doesn’t always stick to the topic. He elaborates a lot about his personal life and repeats different lessons throughout his program.

Another (maybe biased) reason I like this guy is because he’s friends with Elliot Hulse and Owen Cook. Two other men I’ve learned a lot from.

I believe the advice I’ve summarized in this post is the most essential to take away from the 67 steps course.

Thanks for reading my review of the 67 steps. If you liked the 67 steps by Tai Lopez – Let me know in the comments below!

What Did You Learn From The 67 Steps?

– Simon

Update 15/04/2016

Should You Get This Course?

There’s been quite some people now who’ve asked me if there’s going to be more steps or if the 67 steps is really worth its money – So I’m going to try to answer this as honestly as possible (although bias is inevitable if I’m having an affiliate link in the bottom of this article);

I’d say If you haven’t done many self-improvement courses you’ll definitely learn a lot of new insights and it’ll also enable you to deeply reflect on your own actions/life and become more conscious of the actions you need to take for a better life. Especially for mainstream/non self-dev people this can be a real eye-opener.

The biggest take-away for me personally, was the part of “building my career on strengths” and how to discover these. It allowed me to direct my career (web-developing) into a more favorable direction.

My aim was to get wealth (money, cash, ba-bling, $$) when picking up this course, it hasn’t made me rich (yet) but has put me in the right direction from my understanding.

However – I believe that if you understand & integrate the lessons I’ve outlined in this article into your life, then I don’t think you should get the full course though. I’ve found a lot of it to be common knowledge.

Yet – Common knowledge isn’t always common practice and it can often be good to be reminded of essential truths that we forget over time. + I’ve spent 67 bucks on more stupid shit, like video-games & other illegible self-improvement “guru’s”.

Yeah he has a lot of marketing, yeah he’s a smooth talker. But he has the knaawledge to back it up.

So – if you do decide to get the 67 step course after reading  this article, consider purchasing it through this link. It’s an affiliate link, meaning I’ll get a small % of your purchase – the price stays the same though :).

I’d suggest to cancel the future payments immediately though – it’s in the fine print. The VIP coaching calls & book summaries are not that great. That money is IMO better spent on buying & reading the books he recommends. Which overall have the highest ROI.

Then again I’m a cheapass.

Take care,

<3

Most people don’t listen. They’re merely waiting for their turn to speak.

 

You remember that well-intended advice your grandparent always gave you;

“Be nice to people and they’ll be nice to you”?

Well… it sucks. (sorry grandpa)

By adopting these niceties we don’t allow ourselves to express how we truly feel about a situation or what we really think. It’s fake most of the times.

Don’t be fake.

I have my doubts with the ways in which people choose to live their life but never really comment on it because I’ve read it was “appropriate” not to judge them.

Guess it makes some sense – Who am I to say how others should tackle their life?

• “Hey, why aren’t you hitting the gym bro? Protein protein!”
• “Dude drop the movies and beer and read some books!”
• “Video games? For real? You’re wasting your life my man!”

Being overly nice can lubricate your social interactions but in essence it means you’re keeping things back and people can  sense that.

Openness on the other hand can build trust and respect but also can provoke strong reactions, sometimes making others uncomfortable or down-right hostile.

A middle-way is needed.

Solution?

————————————————————-

Listen & Question

Simple as that; Listen to them and when your point of view clashes with theirs, simply ask them why they think that way.

It opens up opportunities to expand your view (and theirs)

Mostly we shove our own beliefs/paradigms/world-views down other peoples’ throat and afterwards we wonder why we’re having so many conflicts. (BIIIIG global problem)

 

The first step in not being a non-judgmental asshole is by listening to others. Mostly we subscribe them with our own autobiography without even trying to see trough their eyes.

The second step is understanding others by reflecting what they’re saying and how they’re feeling

Different lives create different beliefs. Yet we use our own paradigms as the measuring stick for others.

For Example;

Option A 

“Hey I’m having this problem with my family, my dad constantly comes home drunk and I don’t really want to go home anymore since he yells constantly and hits me sometimes.”

 

You should call the police and have him arrested for treating you that way. I wouldn’t allow that man. What a douche bag. Simple as that dude. Get it done.

 

“Yeah, uhu. Maybe”

What they’re really thinking is this: “My god, why aren’t you listening to ME. I don’t care about your way of seeing things”

Option B

Hey I’m having this problem with my family, my dad constantly comes home drunk and I don’t really want to go home anymore since he yells constantly and hits me sometimes.

 

You feel the situation is getting out of hand right and don’t really know what to do?

 

Yeah, exactly. And I don’t really want to get to offensive by involving the police and such.

 

You still love your dad and don’t think involving the police will make the problem better in the long-term?

 

Yeah, you see; I know he’s trying but since my mom left he kind of lost control of his life. Calling in the cops will only make it worse. I don’t know man, what do you think I should do? (Asks for your advice)

 

Well, ..

See the difference?

• You Don’t listen? -> You Don’t Build Trust -> They Close up
• You Listen?! -> You Build Trust -> They Open up

First you make sure you fully understand them, then smooth out the differences by asking questions.

We don’t listen enough anymore, it’s disturbing. Mostly when people open up we stomp them close again by dictating our own auto-biography to them on what they “should” be doing.

We respond with conflict instead of understanding, never to resolve conflicts but only deepening the wound.

It’s exactly the reason why so many people are in conflict and don’t feel like talking about sensitive topics since nobody is really listening to them. (discounting language barrier’s)

Openness Vs Superficiality

Secondly; I’ve found that most don’t want to talk about stuff that actually matters. We don’t touch upon really important subjects like money, fear, doubts, confidence, lifestyle, health, relationships, …

We’ve resorted mostly to superficiality and indifference.

I believe it’s because we’ve been stomped on so many times that we rather not open up at all. We’d rather dabble around talking about the latest sports games, that new serie that’s airing and our most recent weekend adventures instead of running the risk of being hurt.

Leaving the chronic emotional problems untouched.

Like placing a band-aid on a open wound instead of stitching it.

It requires a certain internal security to share yourself with others face to face and not be reactive to what’s being said.

Like someone calling you a trashcan. Would that bother you?

Probably not since you’re pretty sure you’re not a trashcan. It’s the same with all the other opinions.

Essence

Anyway, here’s what I want you to take away from my rambling;

• Build internal security on principles 
• Open up more to build trust (you go first). Talk about your passions, emotions, goals, relationships and whatnot. Never be indifferent/apathetic
• Question other peoples’ behavior, never judge it.
• People with low internal security don’t want to open up, so don’t stomp them close even more. Understand them by reflecting their content and emotions

When you see people engaging in behavior that could be better in your eyes, ask them their reasoning behind it. Don’t judge but just listen, open up to their perception.

See the world trough their eyes.

Everyone has wired their brain differently to accommodate their life. Whatever they’ve been using is working for them and has lead to their current circumstances.

I do believe there are “better” patterns than others. I think eating healthy and going to the gym is a better pattern than eating junk food and watching tv. I think reading and writing is a better pattern than trolling on the internet. I think approaching women and striking conversation is a better pattern than sitting at the bar and drinking beer.

(Some simply don’t see this since our standard brain is pretty ff-ed up. )

Anyway point of this post being: I believe being open and confronting in some situations is a better pattern than social “niceties’. In the end being trusted is more valuable than being “nice”.

Next argument/conflict you have I want you to try something;

Listen with the intent of seeing the world trough his/her eyes. Try to define the pattern they’ve acquired in their mind and understand their reasoning. Ask him/her questions where your visions collide. Unreactive and understanding.

———————————————————–

Firstly: thanks for reading my opinion. Hope it can alter yours to improve your life quality. I think simple listening can be a huuuge boost to your social life.

Secondly: It has become increasingly difficult for me to post personal posts like this (since there are actually people reading it now) hence why it’s so important I keep doing it. Struggling with openness/internal security is normal, everyone does it.

Thirdly: I have no idea how I can center this column – If someone knows, that would be great ;) I’m getting a bit into minimalism lately.

Anyway,

Take care & stay strong

– Simon

The Key To Success

In my most recent post I’ve been talking about how being selfish can actually make you a better person! How you should focus on improving your capacity to help first (by creating yourself) before you “rescue” others. This way you can ensure that you’re able to help people to your utmost capacity later and therefore be an even bigger asset to society than if you would have sacrificed yourself for the gain of others in the first place

Now, to achieve a balance in this I’ve also stated that it is important to actually use the capacity you’ve build up over time to help others. When your life is “handled” and you’re ready and able to share your knowledge, skills and positive energy with the world you should do so! This way other people can also achieve the life they want to live (and it also increases your own success and balance)

Why Improve Emotional Intelligence?

In building your success, people are the key. More specific: emotional intelligence is the key. The one who is able to master emotional intelligence is the one who has mastered life. You don’t need any marketing gimmicks, sale techniques, over-qualifications, a hundred degrees or anything of the sort to be successful in life. The only thing you need to do is to improve your emotional intelligence. By doing this you get an array of unbelievable benefits!

Like;

• Improvement of your financial situation
• Improvement of your social life
• You’ll get anything you want
• You’ll get more opportunities
• You’ll have more positive emotions
• Ultimately you’ll achieve happiness and balance
• And much more..

The key to success is helping others get what they want.

“You can get everything in the world If only you’re willing to help others get what they want” – Mark Twain

How To Improve Emotional Intelligence

Now, how do we handle people? How can we create ourselves in a way that we can create more favorable circumstances. How can we get what we want out of others without backhanded or shady techniques by which we try to manipulate them?

I’ve personally been reading a lot of books on the topic of emotional intelligence like I already stated before. In these books I’ve noticed many recurring principles in dealing with people and they are perfectly applicable so you can start implementing them in your life RIGHT NOW! (how cool is that?) I’ve personally been using these “techniques” (I put it in quotations as techniques sounds like you’re trying to manipulate people into liking you, whilst you’re actually just purifying your character aka creating yourself ;)) for the last two months and they’ve already given me some great results!

Will Smith eloquently puts improving emotional intelligence as

“To illuminate the things in my personality that are likable and to hide and protect the things that are less likeable.” – Will Smith

That’s exactly what we’re after when we aim to improve our emotional intelligence! Getting rid of bad qualities and implementing new, empowering ones to create who we want to be!

Now like I said I’ve been reading a lot of different books on the topic and have found some recurring patterns on how to deal with people the best way as possible! Here are some key practical tips on how you can improve emotional intelligence;

Positive Emotions

First rule I use in social interactions is simply smiling. I believe in the statement that “emotions are infectious”. When you’re happy, positive and are able to make other people smile you are always able to “infect” and therefore change their emotional state for the better

We naturally drift towards people who make us feel good and automatically want to keep that person in our life. People who are depressed, sad and anxious just don’t have many friends because their emotional state brings down others instead of lifting them up.

Even when you don’t feel like smiling you should still actively try to change your emotional state! because being in a positive “flow” has a huge beneficial impact on your social relationships.

In my own experiences I’ve found many times that when I was in a great emotional state I’m able to relate so much better with other people. I’m able to get more done from others or am even offered free services or material wealth just because genuine happiness and excitement is scarce these days. I’ve gotten phone numbers from women who wanted to connect with me because I provided those positive emotions.

It’s the same reason why I try not to judge, condemn or complain other people. Negative emotions get you nowhere. They either put people in a defensive position because they feel attacked or just don’t want to disconnect with you at all.

If you only take away one thing from this post it should be to radiate positive emotions whenever possible.

Talk In The Interest Of Other People

Become genuinely interested in others and understand them emphatically! It is the biggest gift you can ever give someone. Talk about other people instead of yourself! Talk about their interests or at least try to figure out what they’re interested in.

“Hey man, what do you do in your spare time?”
“I like to work in my garden from time to time.”
“Really? My garden looks miserable! How do you get yours in such great condition?”
“Well, ….”

Develop an interest in others and they’ll automatically start liking you more. Everybody loves to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Be the person who wants to listen to others instead of the person who solely talks about himself and his own interests.

Appreciate People Often

Appreciate people for the smallest things they’ve accomplished. Celebrate their successes and minimize their failures. Every human being has the need (not want but the need) to feel important. The need to feel valuable. 

So why deprive other people of this great feeling? Recognize their importance, their achievements and the value they provide to your life (whether this is big or small). Whenever you feel a compliment bubbling up for someone you shouldn’t hold it back! Give honest and sincere compliments by searching for the good aspects in everyone.

On a sidenote: never flatter anyone. Don’t tell people what they want to hear about themselves but genuinely search for an aspect you appreciate in the other person.

For example: A rich friend of yours has bought a really expensive car but you think it looks hideous.

Scenario 1

Rich friend: Hey man! I bought this new ride, do you like it?
You: I can really see how you love this car man! Although it isn’t 100% my taste I really admire the work ethic you put into your job to be able to afford this new car!
Rich friend: Yeah, I did work hard for it. Thanks man! Tastes differ I guess :) (open & receptive)

 

Scenario 2

 

Rich friend: Hey man! I bought this new ride, do you like it

You: No, I think it looks horrible man. Can’t believe you spent so much money on it!

Rich friend: Ow, well it’s a damn great car. it’s a shame you don’t like it. It has benefits x and y and can do… (defensive)

See the difference? Not only will you come over as a genuine, independent person, you’ll also come over much more likeable when you search for the good in every person.

Remember People

Like I said before all people have the basic need to feel important. Therefore you should always remember some basic attributes about everyone you meet. Remember peoples name and one or two interests. That’s the way I do it at least.

Imagine meeting someone you haven’t seen in quite a while and you immediately greet him/her by name and ask something along the lines of; “How’s your house coming along? Is the construction finished yet?”

Most people don’t even take the effort to remember someones name when they meet a new person. If you can retain the name and some traits you’ll give people the feeling that they actually matter to you, that they are valuable to remember.

Me personally, I got a notebook of all the people I care to remember in case I ever encounter them again. I make my list pretty simple. I write down the setting in which I met those people, their name and some personal traits/interests.

For example;

Be Pure Of Heart (Morality)

Be a genuinely good person! I’ve talked about this in almost every single post I’ve written on this blog. It’s basically about setting a high standard for acceptable behavior for yourself, a moral behavior code so to speak. Meaning that you should set a standard for acceptable behavior from yourself to others (how you treat people).

Not lying, being honest, keeping secrets, having integrity (actually doing what you say you’re going to do), don’t judge others, don’t steal,  don’t cheat and so-forth. Having these standards written out for yourself is what will make you able to identify yourself as a genuinely good man. Over time these will form the building blocks of you character, they’ll represent who you are as person and you’ll start identifying yourself with being a “good man.”

People automatically want to connect with the ones who don’t have any hidden agenda’s, are transparent and honest about their intentions. The pure man cannot possibly fail despite his setbacks. A great books on this topic is “As A Man Thinketh by James Allen”
Another great source on being pure of heart is the movie “Forrest Gump”

Basically it all boils down to loving people. It’s not a quick-fix like I stated before but a huge change in lifestyle that will benefit you greatly!

Personal Experiences

I used to be an introverted, shy video game addict but as I recognized the importance of emotional intelligence, I wanted to start being someone who loves people. Someone that is actually interested in others because I could clearly see all the benefits this could provide for my life (and the pain it could cause if I didn’t change who I was)

I’m going to share some stories of my own life in which I’ve been using these skills and have been able to emotionally impact people on a big scale.

Case 1: Grandpa

I’ve never really had a great connection with my grandparents but did see a great lack in my social skills and just knew that love is the best way to increase not only my own happiness and success but also that of others (according to the principle of oneness I talked about in my previous post). So I started to talk to my grandpa about the things that interested him the most. This was primarily the fact that he was lacking appreciation and gratitude for the things he had done for other people. Others didn’t make him feel valuable.

My grandpa has always been a hard worker and occasionally sacrificed himself for others whilst all he wanted in return was more appreciation and the feeling that he truly mattered. So that’s exactly what I gave him. We talked (or at least he did, I listened) for three hours straight about his past accomplishments, troubles, view on life, value of hard work, value of treating people right, importance of family and the love he had for them. He became emotional and wiped down a tear whilst thinking I didn’t see it.

He completely opened up to me and loved me back for it. He grabbed his wallet and instantly gave me all the content it had, he appreciated the fact that I stayed to talk to him for quite some time, offered me something to eat and drink, wanted to meet me again and no doubt he thought I was one of the most interesting conversationalists he had encountered in a long time.

And best of all; it all came from a genuine place. Not because I was trying to get something out of him (maybe social experience and some form of happiness) but because we are one.

This was one of the more memorable experiences I’ve had the last couple of months.

Case 2: M.

M has been a great friend of mine for quite some time and he has personally been one of my first “real friends” after I quit my video game addiction last year. He always stood by my side (and actually pushed on our relationship) and kept trying to connect with me in a time where I was still only focused on creating and improving myself. This was about September/Oktober 2013. (full self-improvement immersion)

As time went on and we grew closer, he became interested in the self-improvement things I was occupied with. He wanted to learn more about them since he recognized that he had some grave character flaws that could really hurt him in the future.

He was very confused and narcissistic in the period before he came to my school. He used girls, thought himself as the most important person in the world and was centered around popularity. (See personal centers in a previous post on how to build character)

Anyway, trough my own self-improvement journey I discovered the faults in my own character; I was narcissistic, greedy and unsociable. Learning about self-purification also made me able to spot the defects in other peoples character and saw how those defects were causing my friend pain.

So I started to talk about how he could improve his bad character traits (not because I knew the principles I talked about above but because he had helped me with so much that I had the natural inclination to do something back).

I also admired his accomplishments and tremendous social skills (that I didn’t have) and appreciated him for sharing his knowledge with me about how to relate better to people.

We talked and talked for hours and after a while he started to recognize his own, faulty character traits and see how they’ve been causing him so much pain. In a moment of purification (as I like to call it) he broke down in tears and embraced me from sheer relief.

This was my first experience with the techniques I’ve mentioned above although I didn’t know them at that time.

Case 3: Myself

This is going to be an example where someone else used the same techniques on me to create a similar emotional response. This time it wasn’t a friend nor family member but just a simple song. The song is called “Make it stop” by Rise Against. The sing is mainly about bullying, suicide and standing up for yourself.

I don’t necessary connect with the theme whereas the lyrics sinked deeply into my heart. I feel like this song describes exactly the feelings I went trough whilst regaining control of my life after my video game addiction. This song is able to bring tears to my eyes and motivate me to keep going.  (re-listened to it just now and it did the trick again haha)

In this song I see myself as the bully. The person who’s trying to block me from the future I deserve by constantly wasting my times on video games and bringing myself down. I see the breaking free as the time I took back control over my life and actually overcame my addiction. The time where I had enough of my bullshit and demanded of myself to create something better. I identify with this song and that’s exactly why it is so powerful for me.

Here’s the song if you want to listen to it;

Favorite line; “proud I stand of who I am, prepared to go on living”

I have more videos that connect with me in a similar way but not to the extent this has had. It really shows how simply “being understood” can impact us.

Emotional pain linked to deep empathic understanding is the best feeling of relief one can imagine

Essence

Anyway, I really thought this message was more than worth sharing! The message of this post is very easy; If you love yourself, love people. Maybe you don’t feel it in your heart yet that it’s the right thing to do but at least I hope I’ve been able to show and prove how much of an impact deep connections of love otwards other people can not only help you to a great extend but also make this world a better place.

Be the strong, calm and good person who everyone cherishes in their heart and your success is guaranteed.

If you feel like this post can help anyone else. Feel free to share it with your friends or send it in a mail to your mom! It helps me out a lot!

Anyway, before I leave you guys I want to pose another question (as is customary apparently these days ;))

How can you apply any of the above techniques today? (if you did it, let me know the results!)

Take care!

Love,

Simon