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My Goal review Q3 + Q4 2016 + Recap

“Persistence guarantees success. If you never stop bashing your head against a wall, one day you’ll reach the other side.

 

I’m late. Even later than my usual late :/

You know… life, rainbows and unicorns.

Therefore I’m just going to bundle my goals from the third and fourth quarter together (they’re very similar anyway).

Time for a three six-month recap of my life; Let’s dive into detail of the things I’m trying, what’s working and failing and where I see myself heading for the future.

Today I wonder If I’ll ever reach a point where these logs become unnecessary and I have practically made it :/ No huge things left to strive for since all major goals in my life have been accomplished.

+ fun fact: I’m writing this in my underwear.

And I’m definitely thinking about you..

Anyway, let’s get on with it. You know the drill.

Time for another one of my quarterly reviews.

  • Achieved (yey)
  • Cancelled (boo!)
  • Failed (kill him with fire!)
  • Use f11 for full-screen.

—————————————————————————————————-

Mind

Goals Q3 + Q4

> 85% MR Consistency (6:30 WU | 72D/84D) 77%
Had 77% morning consistency these quarters combined, meaning I woke up at 6:30 for 111 of the 144 required days (mo > sa). Still would like it to be higher but the amount of sleep (+-9h) I need is simply ridiculous. Sometimes I wish I could charge myself like electronics do, waay more efficient. I don’t move around much when I’m working anyway, I don’t get where all the fucking energy is going.

> Read 12 books (Personal MBA, Letters from a stoic, Ruby on rails tutorial, Elon musk biography, models, social skills guidebook, psycho cybernetics, 7 habits, rework)
Read 8; The personal MBA is a life-changer; It will be the single book that’ll have the most impact on my life quality in the next 3 years (in terms of running a business) than any other book I’ve read so far. Seneca was alright, although could have been more to the point. RoR tutorial was very specific for obvious reasons but it was GREAT for teaching me the core of the rails framework and made me more confident/comfortable in writing my own apps. 

> Make Review Tape for each area
I find it important to have an integrated framework for continuously repeating the most important information. Therefore I’ve made audio tapes with questions that serve as a recall method to review the most important information; I listen to these when riding my bike, in the car or whilst taking the bus. Ex: What are 6 factors for happiness? What are my strengths? What does REST mean? Going to turn these into flashcards though using cram.com

> Do a 90-day no-touch. Meaning I don’t touch my dick for 90 days, not even dry orgasms.
Wanted to see if it would change my motivation even more in life. Failed this through willpower depletion :/ Meh. Still only do dry orgasms though.

Overall

I feel like I have an overall great grip on this area (note my smooth transition skills) when I’m doing all the stuff I’m supposed to. The only problems I have occur when I haven’t slept enough, which seems to be a problem I’ve solved this quarter.

I still write in my journal every day, plan my days and weeks in advance, listen to audio tapes which tell me how great I am every morning and evening! (you should have one too!.. But then about how great you are and not me. Otherwise that would be weird… or would it?), track highlights and achievements (daily and weekly).

Don’t feel like I’m overdoing it though and my life kinda feels organized “just enough”. Although it’s anally regimented when you’re looking from the outside in, it gives me great peace of mind to know I’m not forgetting essential information and always knowing “the best way” to allocate my time and energy.

The biggest thing I should be working on right now is finding a way to learn more systematically, I feel like my programming/learning is too fucking slow and has too many gaps between repetitions. Currently looking at buying some systematic books on learning, probably also going to be b/vlogging about tech on another site to speed my learning up even more.

New weird shit I’m trying;

  • Making audio tapes in the morning of moaning women to harness sexual energy/become more motivated (doesn’t work for me, I just get turned on and distracted instead of focused/motivated)
  • Listening to science fiction audio books in the evening using librivox app
  • Making checklists for routine tasks like packing my gym-bag, buying groceries, setting up websites for cliënts and preparing for meetups. Helps to save some mental resources and makes you not forget stuff. You should ask yourself; which mundane, routine task you could I outsource to a checklist. It’s fucking magic.
  • Bought subscription for Greg Plitt & downloaded all video’s <(^.^)> –> ∞ motivation!
  • I’ve created a Google Drive map for all my book summaries, note that some of those are a bit dated or based on “old beliefs”. Maybe one can be of use to someone. Some are partially in dutch though :/.

Score: 8/10


Health

Goals Q3 + Q4

> 75kg, 6% BODY FAT
Pretty lean right now since I’ve been cutting down this summer. Now going to reduce the time I invest into health to shift towards my career and get some solid financial results. Here’s a picture of my cut at its leanest, the meal plan I used to cut down and my current maintain mealplan (all based on the advice from Martin Berkhan). Last one is a picture from today, I’m trying to bulk up to 83kg and 8% BF slowly again.

> 7,5 average energy/week (7)
Better than last quarter still. I think I’ve settled on a diet, training regimen that I could maintain for a long time to come which will provide me with all the energy I’ll need to get great results in all areas of life. On the other hand I’ve discovered that the biggest determining factor for energy the next day is the time I power off my laptop and start my evening ritual. I’ve installed a program which starts at 20:30 each evening which automatically shuts down my laptop – great stuff.

> 80% Meal consistency (70% – 49 days of 70)
This one is new! Trying to track the days I actually stick to my food schedule. I’m not all that religious about my food. If I’m sticking to the plan for 5 days out of the 7 I’m happy. I never make exceptions for alcohol or fried shit though, that’s just toxic stuff. You’re better off eating a bar of plutonium then.

Overall

Still feel good and healthy most of the time and have plenty of energy to tackle the other areas of my life. Going to put health on “auto-pilot” for now and just maintain my current shape and diet. The forced power-down routine will have the biggest impact probably in the coming weeks when it comes to energy (if I respect it though – I shouldn’t be writing now).

Still don’t feel like my back is 100% ok though, but don’t feel like spending a shitload of money on treatments that will probably amount to nothing.

blablabla health is good. Not trying anything new here.

Score: 9/10


Wealth

> Make 2000€ net/month
My biggest goal is becoming financially self-sufficient ASAP through selling my skills as a programmer/web developer/online magician. Only made about 250€ on average each month, most of it being affiliate income from the 67steps although freelancing/sidecompany has also been picking up lately.

> Relaunch new company website
Wanted to get more serious about developing and therefore my old website had to go. I’ve relaunched this in the beginning of September and will be the home-base for my most recent projects, articles on building a business/web-stuff. Maybe you’ll find this article  useful if you’re running a company. I’ve had 2 freelance clients and 2 local businesses and made about 500€ so far from clients since September, currently have another one for a fixed project of 250€, which for me is a lot of money.

> Graduated
“Finished” my “education”. Worthless fucking time waste. The speaker on our graduation congratulated us about how “future-proof” our education as a personal trainer was – lol. Still nice pictures though :) 

> Job In Ruby On Rails
Have applied to 14 companies, did 7 in-person interviews, took 3 technical tests and got no offers. I think it’s a combination of poor preparation combined with an unsystematic approach to building up my programming skills.  Although I’ve been A LOT more systematic/prepared at the last 5 companies, my portfolio isn’t THAT special.

I believe I should just focus down more on systematic learning and building up a better portfolio to have a increased chance at a permanent position. Probably needing to get a part-time-job pretty soon. It has been more discouraging than I’d like to admit, especially considering the time and energy I’m fucking pooring into this.

– Buy modafinil batch
Going to stay of the stimulants for now and try to do some normal work without being a jittery retard.

– Laptop upgrade
Switched to Linux instead of windows for programming, windows is a fucking nightmare for web development (nothing is compatible). It just sucks that onenote won’t play nice with Linux, and therefore can’t sync or add file attachments to my docs. Yet crappy onenote is still better than no onenote (or worse.. evernote).

– 2 Ruby meetups (||)
I don’t know, people keep talking about all these benefits of mentoring/networking with people who are already a lot longer in your field but I don’t seem to be getting much out of it. I feel like I advance my career a lot more and faster by simply studying and building new shit than talking to people in my field. Is networking overrated?. Or maybe overrated in a field where your main economic value are your actual skills?

Overall

Yey real life is starting!

Now this is where I’m sucking at right now (everyone really). I’ve become increasingly better at programming and am able to write some pretty complex stuff but noticed the barrier to entry for a junior development job is pretty high (especially since I have a non-technical background). But I’ve also been focusing down probably on the wrong way to build up a portfolio/skills because my skill-learning is FAR from systematic enough.

The ultimate plan right now is to become a freelancer and move to Thailand for a while whilst going full YOLO in the sex culture generating money online through freelancing like I’m doing now and launching several software products in my spare time. If I look at the lifestyle some of those people live, it looks like something I’d enjoy! Something like this guy  and this guy are doing.

From the start of January I also pay a fee to my mom to live at home, which brings my monthly costs to 625€ (I pay everything myself, like a big boy.)

Here’s my main focusing points for building up my career;

  • Finishing up projects for local cliënts (wordpress websites)
  • Getting a half-time job to pay bills (2 days/week)
  • Freelancing through upwork
  • Daily fucking practice (4h) with a systematic plan for learning web development from a-to-z
    • Making videos/tutorials about tech on truetech (learning through teaching) + video skills (talking & editing)
    • Making flashcards on essentials

Overall: 3/10


Social

Goals Q3

> M&N weekly meetup (missed 5 weeks)
I have two close friends I wanted to do physical meetups with, each other week and missed 5 weeks.

> At least 1 boardgame/social meetup each other week on average (8/12 weeks)
I got a social hobby to regularly practice social skills in an activity I enjoy.

Overall

Have been putting my social life heavily on the back burner. Feel like we’re each more or less going our own way in life. At the moment, to maintain somewhat of a social life, I just do board-games on Tuesday and meet up with a local friend on Thursday and do a close friend meetup on Saturday. (not all weeks though).

Had sex with a girl on vacation and kissed 1 other one when going out. Not investing time into dating at this point.


Fun/Meaning

> Prague w friends
Went to Prague.


Lessons

  • “Reading the great thoughts of the great in history, you will soon find yourself walking besides them, amongst their ranks” It associates your “being” with their level. Contrast will pull me up to their level
  • Appreciation/gratitude = equilibrium between self improvement and self acceptance
  • On getting things done; most of the stress comes from thinking you’ll forget stuff instead of the stress of all he things that need to get done. (writing things down gives you peace of mind)
  • Don’t be jealous on people who have it easy. We’re all equally governed by laws of nature. Every person (needs to) learn how to handle pain, experience hunger and thirst, grow old with dignity, be ill, suffer loss, suffer adversity and repeated failure, doubt from others and the self, learn patience, balancing dreaming, planning and executing, relating, connecting and convincing others, determination and drive during setbacks and finally dying. There’s no shortcuts nor escaping that. If you have it hard, see it as a lesson in reality you’ve had the chance to learn early on and for which others will have to pay later in life when responsibilities and consequences are bigger.
  • The less I write, the less I think. Externalizing through writing/speaking help me to greatly (exponentially) solidify my thinking.
  • There are extremely few significant threats in your life, yet you’re afraid of all the wrong ones.
  • Check the box (give yourself a chance)  Make the difference (if this is impossible, AT LEAST do 1)
  • Be the person doing the uncomfortable stuff, always. Become a fear-chaser and comfort destroyer for all areas which are required.
  • The biggest stacks of gold are at the bottom of the biggest piles of shit.
  • Move upmarket (have a product/service catered to people who actually have enough money. Don’t race to the bottom)
  • There’s only so much that you can do to improve life quality in one area. At some point it starts to negate/sacrifice other parts
  • If you stop, everything else will. Think of yourself as a torchbearer who guides people through a dark corridor, if you stop for too long your torch will simply burn out and if you are blind, so is everyone else.
  • Plans are useless by themselves because we always grossly underestimate the time for completion. But planning is invaluable as it helps you understand requirements (what is necessary for achievement), dependencies (what the prerequisites are for each step), actions needed to take and risks needed to be avoided through mental simulation
  • Only the weak are cruel and envious. Be the fucking person who can be genuinely happy for the success of friends! Find ways to fix it!
  •  You run away in fiction to escape from a life you don’t like.
  •  You are never truly able to fully exert yourself. Human performance is capped at the hardware level to keep some gas in the tank.
  • Women have a fear/love relationship with strong men. They like a strong, self-directed guy who is able to take charge and dominate her but are afraid to become vulnerable too fast since that’s an incredibly easy position for them to get hurt. (Had a date with a girl who carried a knife with her)
  • Admiration = being a strong man (respect) + caring about the other person (affection)
  • Sometimes relationships become more about managing stressful situations and lose the spark, no matter how much you dream! && a lot of the self development stuff involves leaving your family behind in one way or another – which is not an option for many of us. – comment on my blog a while ago.
  • A few hours spent in evaluating/planning can prevent months and even years of wasted effort.
  • Difference between who you are and the ones you admire are the books you read
  • Rapidly acquire marketable skills & charge for them.
  • Hard work isn’t rewarded, smart work is. There is a huge cultural admiration for hard work and being busy; I believe that’s ungrounded and plain stupid. There is 0 value in doing something the hard way. The economy solely rewards high quality output at the highest possible speed. There are no checks being handed out for cutting your lawn with scissors when you could be using a machine. Leave the socially conformed mindset of artificial busyness, email compulsion and social media posturing and get some real work done.
  • Your user is lazy and retarded. Don’t make him think (on UI design)
  • You’re frustrated in your results only because your mental model (your representation of reality) is inaccurate. Why are you frustrated when all you have to do is improve understanding?
  • Being uncomfortable in social situations & saying something stupid are things that happen to everyone and is inevitable. Just aim to become socially functional. You can get through most social situations with nervousness and get solid results – it will NEVER completely ruin it. The less you care about the consequences, the less it’ll control you.
  • Your mind doesn’t give much weight to the conclusions you come to without evidence backed by real life experiences

Essence

Here’s something I wrote a few weeks ago when I needed to vent, it represents pretty accurately how I’m feeling about my life right now;

—-

Generally: can’t say I genuinely love the way my life is going right now. I don’t feel at ease/comfortable with who I am nor where my life is going right now.

I’m afraid, very afraid.

Most of the days, most of the time. (about getting a career going and actually financially supporting myself)

Which I channel into hate which I use as fuel to propel myself “forward”. Constantly postponing living to make room for working now. I don’t necessarily enjoy the things I’ve committed myself to (going to the gym, playing boardgames, programming, running my side-company) – then again if you’d ask me; “hey Simon, what do you really like doing in your life?” you’d probably be met with just a blank stare. As I really would not have any fucking clue. I’m just not thinking that way right now.

I feel my life in on autopilot. Every week I (routinely) meet up with friends without having something new to share, nothing has changed and nothing has happened really. What do I do? The same things each and every day;

Wake up, do morning shit, drink coffee & take stimulants, program (aka feel like a complete and utter retard), have food (best part of the day), do some more and then just channel my self-loathing and anger by lifting weights and looking at myself angrily in the mirror. Maybe some (forced) meetups in the evening where I feel uncomfortable because of this pent up frustration. Repeat.

So, what’s left to talk about?

There’s no use in talking about your problems as people generally can’t do much to make a difference, next: you’ve got nothing new/interesting to talk about since nothing in your life has changed and there are no achievements you want to share because you don’t want the meetup to turn into a dick-measuring contest.

But what’s even worse is that I truly believe it’s supposed to be this way. Like it’s a prerequisite for where I want to go.

I generally don’t care about the follow-your-passion/chase your dreams crap the “motivational speakers” tend to go on about. It’s the biggest lie that makes our generation very under-prepared for reality. I believe in doing what should be done to get what you want out of life. Whatever that is or how uncomfortable it makes you.

Go where the rewards are eh?

But somethings’ got to give right now. I feel like I’m pooring the best years of my life into something that’s never going to give me rewards and it makes me degrade other parts of my life (eg making sacrifices for no rewards). I constantly wonder if there aren’t less excruciating ways to financially support myself and maybe I’m making it too hard and I should just be selling crap ebooks on Kindle, doing Amazon FBA or releasing yet another info-product on the self-development market.

Then again, do you really want to be that self-dev guru whose sole form of income is his info product teaching you how to make money by selling info products #infoproductception? I want an actual skill to rely on and not create dependence on some external system like Amazon.

I’d also love to focus more on dating. It’s still not “out of my system” like I’d want it to be and I’m just pushing it further back because I believe self-enforced programming is a better way to spend my time (god knows why) than chasing acceptance/validation whilst clearing my  cache off emotional bullshit and shame from my youth.

Would like to immerse myself into this pretty soon in the future. I want my life/personality to feel like there’s nothing left on the “table of shame.” Everything out in the open, if that makes sense?

Writing this down helps somewhat. Expressing things I don’t express often enough.

Also: I hate my brain. I feel like having a deep understanding of how the world and people work, makes everything seems so fake and predictable.

Salesmen trying to induce “scarcity” in their offering results in me simply hanging up the phone. People who don’t have their life together posing in the gym with broad gestures and big tattoos whilst being the champion of all staring contests. Feeling attracted (read: distracted) to women with vacuum-sucked yoga pants I see passing by and seeing it as pointless “genetic directions” which don’t make sense in this world anymore. Why procreate? Because my genes tell me to?

Let’s not think with penis today, ok Simon? Let’s use head this time! We need money, so we need focus!

Ok.

Solutions, not problems. I get it.

Trust me.

I

fucking

get

it.

80/20 YOLO rule, achievement reflection, highlight archive and so-on. I know, I fucking now.

I got self-development shit coming out of my ass left and right. What do you think I’ve been writing about the last 3 years? Still it is what it is. Just how I perceive my life right now.

Currently could use some more variation, more vulnerability with people (or just more people in general) and overall some more financial independence. Besides that, the rest is staying really. Not a complete overhaul but a slight tweak.

—-

So that’s it for now. My goals from last year will be for the most part rehashed a bit. So – although there’s a LOT of red stuff in my yearly goals this year and it overall feels like I’m at the same position as I was last year – I’m purposely going to accentuate the good.

There’s no use in walking around with a vision of where I “should” already be. It only drives me insane. Focus on the positive and actions you can control.

So, what was great about 2016? What were the fucking wins?

  • I’LL NEVER HAVE TO WASTE MY TIME IN SCHOOL EVER AGAIN.
  • Fixed my back injury for at least 85%.
  • People are paying me good money (25$/h) for doing web stuff.
  • I have the most complete OneNote archive on the planet for managing every area of my life. + a systematic way to rapidly acquire new skills.
  • I have an overview of the last three years in pictures and written journals.
  • I have a clear way to set goals, track results and adjust when necessary.
  • I’m in GREAT fucking shape.
  • Started my own company.
  • SHARP programming skills in Ruby.
  • Had a ton of great experiences with close friends, made some new friends and reconnected with some friends from highschool.
  • Approached, kissed and had sex with the most amount of girls I’ve ever had.
  • Became socially a lot more relaxed and comfortable in big groups.
  • Read, summarized and implemented 19 high quality books.
  • I’m persistent, and have a very very thick head.

Looking back, what would you have done differently in 2015?

  • Find a way to learn more systematically. Your income depends on the speed at which you’re able to learn complex, in-demand skills. Know your brain and use it to your advantage.

How’s that for gratefulness. Talk to you soon.

Time to escape

xoxo

– Simon

 

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7 Comments

  1. Hi Simon!

    I have enjoyed reading your blogs. I am doing some research on different models of breaking life into focus areas. Your seven areas of focus were pretty great. I am not sure I agree with the way you have broken things up, but that is besides the point. The point is that you have a knack for creating maps of things for which most people are not conscious about. You are a map maker trying to understand reality, and your maps will be changing and evolving through out your life.

    I have been a map maker all my life as well and believe that people like us have a gift which others can really benefit from. So keep it up my friend!

    Anyways, what I would like to do is share with you my perspective on the issues that you seem to be facing. I am going to critique some fundamental ideas you have about yourself and your reality. These ideas will really help you grow fast. But they are going to be harder said than done! There are three different areas I would like to talk to you about.

    (1) Different types of self awareness: conditioned reality, fractured self, and unconditional present.

    (2) Feminism vs masculinity and sex vs intimacy/love

    (3) Practices for Spiritual growh

    Let me explain each in turn. Starting with number one:

    Awareness

    When you are a child life happens TO you. You are taught to believe certain things from your parents, from you peers, from society at large. You try things and get hurt. Ideally we have parents as guides through this time of dependency. Parents are supposed to be wise and guide us through the 4 stages of parenting (protection, nurturance, empowerment, and initiation.) Unfortunately, most parents are having kids before they are wise enough to help them through the four stages. They are still figuring out how to grow up themselves and tend to pass down their emotional pains onto their children.

    You have taken it upon yourself to grow up and be wise in ways that your parents or care takers have not been able to. And it sounds like you had a hard childhood emotionally and that your family connection is still pretty broken because of it. But you are on the right track! Keep going.

    Anyhow, when we aren’t given the wise care, we end up learning how to cope and survive in this world instead of learning how to thrive. We are run by our fears, shames, and angers. This creates a complex set of patterns and conditioning which become what I call someones Conditioned Identity. Maybe people remain stuck in this conditioned identity and don’t even realize they aren’t living their own lives but rather living a preconditioned reality as a reaction to their poor childhood. Conditioned Identities become someones personality, but it doesn’t have to be. Many people just settle, but you are not!

    When people start becoming aware of their Conditioned Identity many people want to do something about it. They want to challenge it. They want to change themselves. This moves them to the next phase of awareness called the Fractured Self. In this phase you generate an image of what you want to be and try to become that image. You are driven by an intense dislike of your past self and a passion to become someone else. You start challenging many of your fears and start pushing yourself to your limits. Sound familiar? This is an important phase to pass through, however, I would like to guide you to the third phase.

    The reason why it is called a Fractured Self is that it is a state of being broken. It is a state of being in-between self concepts. You would hate going back to your old ways of being a reclusive video game addict, but you aren’t able to achieve your dream state. So that leaves you in a middle ground of unhappiness. A lot of dark times can set in, where you start hating yourself. You start looking at yourself and seeing imperfection everywhere. Nothing is good enough. The Fractured Self is a great place to assess your weaknesses and assess where you can grow. However, it is not sustainable and will lead to collapse into depression. I can feel that growing inside you as you make your most recent posts.

    The third phase is called Unconditional Presence. It is about learning how to feel unconditional love for yourself and others. Instead of trying to change yourself out of feelings of dislike and disgust of your past self, you learn to love your past and present self. Be compassionate to it. You see yourself as someone that is hurt and start to understand why you are hurt. You start to learn to really LISTEN to yourself instead of trying to shut yourself down and push towards an image. Once you achieve unconditional presence you begin to start nurturing yourself into growing instead of forcing yourself into growth. There is a big difference. When you have unconditional presence you find yourself in FLOW almost constantly with everything that you do. Moreover, the third phase allows you to finally transcend your conditioning. In the first phase you are living the conditioning without awareness. In the second phase you are reacting to the conditioning, but your life is still completely framed by it since you are in a state of reaction to it. In the third phase, you stop reacting to the conditioning but instead start to de-condition yourself. Once you are de-conditioned you will have so much more ability to be the person you were hoping to be all along. There will be no fight. Instead you will just do it effortlessly. It just becomes you’re lifestyle to be that way. And you will finally be at peace yourself.

    So here are some helpful tips on what to move out of the second phase and into the third. (1) Determine your fears and anxieties. You already think about this a lot. However, instead brainwashing yourself or trying to force yourself to cope and control these fears and anxieties through affirmations, sit with them. Listen to them. Where do they come from? What childhood memories are triggered. When did you first encounter these fears? How did you respond to them? What was the original cause? Some deep rooted anxieties and fears come from early childhood where there are no more memories. This requires some therapy techniques. Just a note, this isn’t the same as wallowing in misery. It isn’t about feeling sorry about yourself. It isn’t about reliving these fears to that you can get angry about it. It is about understanding yourself. It is about allowing yourself to feel, to cry, to be afraid, to be angry. It is about hugging yourself and being your own shoulder to cry on.

    (2) Actively practice compassion for yourself and others. You have read about emotional intelligence, but emotions are more than just learning about them intellectually. It is about learning how to surf through them and learn from them directly and precognitively. Emotions are built into parts of our brains which evolved much before our cognitive brains. So they can speak to us and teach us many things which can only be felt and not thought. Look into things such as Non-Violent Communication, Active Listening, and Empathy vs Sympathy.

    Moving on.

    Feminism and Sexuality

    One of the biggest misconceptions that plagues humanity is the concept of gender and gender roles. Because we are born with a certain sexual organ doesn’t mean we have to live out certain roles. However, that being said there are long standing traditions. Where do they come from? They come from a situation of scarcity and basic survival. In these cases some people are genetically born stronger and more physically powerful (and they tend to have penises) which was a great thing back when we were fighting off wolves. Women had to be protected, especially when they were carrying children, since that is a very vulnerable 9 months.

    We are no longer in those times, but our cultures haven’t caught up yet. In our current times, women can protect themselves from nature so they don’t need men (in fact the main problem for women is protecting themselves FROM MEN, which is not how nature intended). We are not in a physical state of survival, we are in a creative and intellectual state of survival. Those of us that are more well-spoken, that have innovative ideas, that can build better tools, and so on can lead to a better life and therefore are now more “FIT.” In this arena both men and women can fair equally.

    Women and men are therefore the same now in terms of survival roles. They can both help out with raising children, they can both hold the same jobs, etc. The only difference are the shape of their sexual organs.

    Furthermore, as society becomes more complex things are moving away from evolution as a survival of the fittest individual to survival of the fittest kin or family unit. Things are becoming increasingly more collaborative in terms of sharing knowledge and resources. This means that individuals who are team leaders, who can rally communities, and support family units are the ones that will be in the most demand in the future. Again, both men and women can do this.

    So instead of asking yourself what it means to be a MAN, ask yourself what it means to be a useful member of society. Because it is no longer about whether you have a penis or vagina that defines roles. The faster people catch up to the modern demands of society the faster they will be able to succeed within it. Cultural norms are setting us back and causing unnecessary stress and anxiety.

    Ok, so what does this have to do about sexuality? Well, sexuality is tied up with the cultural norms that are now mostly obsolete. So let’s break it down. Having sex serves several functions. (1) It can lead to procreation. (2) It can lead to bonding via the emission of love hormones. (3) It decreases stress and promotes relaxation. (4) It is incredibly pleasurable. (5) It is one of the most if not the most intimate activities between people.

    Each of these things are different aspects of sexuality. They don’t have to all come in one package! Now that we are overpopulated the primary purpose for sex isn’t procreation anymore (hence the invention of all sorts of birth control.) So sex has found more of a purpose in those areas.

    The reason why you are withholding from ejaculation is that you believe it takes away your energy. This is not the whole story. You see being addicted to masturbation is not bad because of the masturbation, it is because of what caused the addiction to begin with. Typically people are under stress or they feel low. They masturbate to get a short high to keep going. Or they get horny and masturbate to relieve themselves of the instinctual desire. Masturbation then becomes a coping strategy to help avoid dealing with life. And worse off, it causes a downward spiral. It is habit forming, in the sense that it is a reward. Imagine rewarding yourself every time you did poorly on an exam. You are inherently teaching your body to look forward to failing since there will be a reward. That is where the energy loss comes from.

    Instead, masturbate to celebrate. Let yourself really love yourself. Touch yourself and be intimate. But do it to celebrate something that you are happy about. Do it because you deserve it. Don’t do it to make yourself feel better, do other things like meditate to make yourself feel better. Reward yourself when you are feeling great. After doing something really creative, after building something, etc. All of a sudden your sex drive will start driving you to be happier and more creative instead of sad an depressed.

    Finally, many people confuse sex with intimacy. Intimacy is a form of bonding which really strengthens relationships. It allows for people to be very vulnerable and not afraid of opening up. This allows for people to heal from day to day wounds instead of letting them build up. An intimate partner is nurturing and healing. Intimacy can be about cuddling or gentle touching. It is also about establishing a similar biological rhythm. When you are stressed your body will be in a tense state, your breathing is more shallow and your muscles are more tense. Laying next to someone that is relaxed and can receive some of this emotional energy can help you reach homeostasis faster. This can lead to sex or it doesn’t have to.

    Something I can feel is how you are dying for intimacy. You want to feel touched and connected with someone other than yourself. You want to be seen and felt and loved and appreciated. But at the same time you are terrified that you will not be accepted, that you will not be supported like you hope to be. So you freeze up and become more stressed and anxious. This makes it difficult for you to approach someone at all. This is something you learned as a kid. Probably from not being held enough when you cried as a baby.

    Treat women like your guys friends. Work on being friends with women and getting use to their company in a non-sexual way. Then open yourself up for intimacy. Then eventually work your way up to sex. Right now sex is just an idealized concept for you. It is about getting your needs satisfied and as long as it is like that then women are just going to be unattainable sex objects. They don’t like to be seen that way and it makes the whole thing so much harder for you.

    Also, you can find fellow guys that are comfortable with their sexuality and practice being more intimate with them. This will make you really uncomfortable at first, but it will help out a lot to conquer your fear of intimacy itself. You don’t need to have sex with them to feel the closeness and the bond. That’s the same bond you will need to nurture in a women too.

    Ok, now for Spirituality

    Spirituality is more than just your intellectual view of reality and your beliefs about yourself. Although this is definitely a big part of it.

    Spirituality is a state of being not a state of doing. The way you are meditating now seems to be a way to relax and focus. That is a good state of being to be in. However, you can also meditate to feel love and warmth and connection. Take a walk and notice how gentle the breeze blows through the leaves of the trees. Spirituality is about a deep appreciation from life outside of yourself and then bringing that appreciation back to yourself.

    Once you have learned how to channel that state of being, then doing things is a lot easier. Effortless. Spirituality and being Unconditionally Present with yourself are two sides of the same coin.

    Simon, I really respect your effort and ingenuity. From everything you are doing I can tell you are a well-intentioned and kind person and I wish the best for you.

    If you ever find yourself in California let me know. I live in Davis and am a local Shaman healer here. I help people find their way through the obstacles in their lives and help work through the different phases of their journey.

    Much love!

    Alan

    (PS I am also learning Rails and think that having technical skill like that is essential for the future!)

  2. Hi Simon! Read, i see a imbalance in your brain becoming more predominant as you write, which is totally ok and i have to manage it too. But it won’t be long before you start thinking about moral relativism and all kind of “richard dawkings” kind of thoughts. This needs to be corrected as soon as possible. I know it sounds VERY weird but nobody is going to tell you that, because very few people know about brain imbalance.

    Also it highly amazes me how someone highly intellectual as you doesn’t talk a bit about The Occult and Mind Control. Part of what you talk about here in financial part is a representation of that. I HIGHLY Recommend you check out Mark Passio’s Podcasts on his page whatonearthishappening.com and youtube videos. PLEASE CHECK THIS OUT.

    Also i highly recommend Reality Transurfing (5 Volumes) by Vadim Zeland. Is one of the few books out there that goes at the start of what every self development book talks about and it doesn’t cross the line of being a new age shit book.

    You emanate a great heart in your posts, don’t let that go away.

    Great post Simon! I learn a lot from you, PLEASE check out those resources. You will probably won’t regret it a bit.

    Talk soon brother!

    1. Also i’m trying to help and not be cocky. I’m not perfect but i can help you with this. You mention a lot of Self-Loathing and that is a CLEAR representation of that something needs to be corrected for you to move on. It is not an “outside of you thing” that you have to solve. Check out those resources as soon as you can from the start of the podcast of Mark Passio and Reality Transurfing book. Thank you.

  3. Hi Simon.
    I personally learnt a lot from reading through your experience particularly where you listed the lessons learnt in the process. Also took away a few things from John’s comment since I’m on my twenties as well. Nice one!

  4. “625€”

    Why are you paying this to your mom? Business is business; that’s money you could be using to live on your own, needs to be 225€ max. You don’t need to buy your own fancy food – get more of what she eats, it will be cheaper. If you want to stay slim, don’t eat a lot.

    “But somethings’ got to give right now.”

    In regard this part, let me give you some thoughts.

    Firstly, you’re in the same boat as everybody else. Because you’re actually having to do productive work, it feels like a drag. Working a production line or some other shit will be even more soul-destroying. Most people just tune out their displeasure with entertainment / other bullshit. Look up “silent desperation” and you get 99% of the populace.

    Secondly, you’re working in a very competitive field. Give it time; you’re not homeless and you have a good head on your shoulders. Don’t worry about 2k€, aim for 500€ of something. You don’t want to rely on a job for your whole income anyway – this will force you to do something to drive other income streams (sell a product).

    Thirdly, what options do you *really* have? You mention moving to Thailand for several months… with what money? What prospects will you have upon your return? Will it be an applicable investment for the long term? You can visit Thailand when you have $$ in the bank. And those other sites looked just as I imagined… shit.

    Fourthly, do you class yourself as a businessman? If so, you need to be making investments. Think you have it tough financially? Imagine taking every penny you have and putting it into stuff that has absolutely *no* direct benefit financially. That takes balls and is what the best guys do.

    Fifthly, you don’t need to “live” in your 20’s. That’s what losers tell themselves to justify their stupidity. You need to utilize the time you have now to make as many quality investments as possible (not just monetary). You need to buy influence. Use your coding knowledge & money to make a product. The product will probably fail but at least you’ll gain experience (will raise your “imperium” ask Ludvig Sunstrom about that).

    Ultimately, it’s a ball ache but you have to do it. You’ll be in a much better position at 30 if you put the time into building / acquiring assets now. Not to say you can’t enjoy yourself, just don’t fall for the “nomad” lifestyle BS.

    1. Why are you paying this to your mom?

      I’m not paying her 625€/m, that’s my total costs. I pay her 225€ for living @ home. The rest is food, transportation, gym, phone, books… . The problem is not that I’m spending too much, the problem is that I don’t make enough.

      And I’ve checked for cheaper/better places to live, unless I get a job in something it’s out of budget.

      Secondly, you’re working in a very competitive field
      Every field is competitive. I’d say programming is less competitive compared to most positions because it actually requires a skill that’s hard to learn. Higher barrier of entry.

      You don’t want to rely on a job for your whole income anyway

      Why not? I think it’s a great idea to learn at someone else’s expense in the beginning and make a product/platform when having 3-5y experience in the field.

      Use your coding knowledge & money to make a product.

      That’s what I’m doing now. But it’s to boost my portfolio and skills and not because I expect it’ll actually be profitable.

      You mention moving to Thailand for several months

      It’ll allow me to have more time to practice my skills since most of the money I generate comes from freelancing anyway. So by doing freelancing work on upwork/remote position/whatever I could live cheap & practice my skills/build a product, which sounds ideal.

      It’s not about the location/traveling but the time freedom it gives me.

      I’ll have the same exact prospects working from there than working from where I live right now, it’ll just be cheaper and I’ll have more runway.

      Maybe I’m just complaining too much – Need to vent sometimes

      Current plan: making an application that allows personal trainers to manage their cliënts, training and exercises and use that as a portfolio piece to land a junior position as a ruby on rails software developer.

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